Eye of the Storm

I sit here, the night before TEN SYSTEMS EXAM (said in a James Earl Jones voice in my head). I remember being in first year, and hearing about the mammoth exam that the third years write just before starting JURSI---examined on the past year and a half of information, all the "important things" a physician "ought to know". Well that is the "theory" anyways. Now that I am here, I realize that the exam only sounds daunting. Yes it is a multiple choice exam, closed book, with rigid time dead lines, but it is not representative of reality. In real life, where people's actual lives hang in the balance, its all open book. I am encouraged--no expected, to double check with a source before I write an order if I am uncertain its correct. I can "phone a friend"--a much more experienced physician if I am still unsure of what to do. Exams are just a device to attempt to evaluate what I know---and often they dont even do that well. The micro exam today was a decent indicator of whether or not I will be clinically compentent---and that went well. I do have a foundation on how to clinically problem solve, and where to go when I need to find answers. That is reassuring---I have learned somethings that I have retained these past three years! The first few years of medical school taught me how to understand the questions; its really difficult to find an answer if you dont even understand the question.

Medicine and beyond, I am so glad that I know my own limitations. I need not lean on my own understanding, or my own strength. And the days I forget this simple but key fact, I am surrounded by people who remind me. It is terrifying and exhilirating to be at the end of my own resources. Through medicine and its adventures God takes me to the realm where I cannot do it with what I have in and of myself. Many things I can do on my own strength--but here in this place I know I am at the end of my rope and it has come up short. And its hard. Its humbling. I live here everyday. Here I learn the nitty gritty of faith in action. Here I am amazed at what I learn about myself.

Sometimes the storm is not always calmed for us---but there is always a Rock to cling to while the storm rages.

" I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. " Isaiah 41:9-10