Reflections

It is really by God's Grace and Wisdom that we only are allowed to travel through time in one direction: forward. I often wonder if I knew years ago what I know now if I would make the same decisions. Would I be too scared? Would I have the courage? Naivete is a hidden blessing more often then I think we will ever know. But if I changed my past then I would not be me, as I am so shaped by my decisions and experiences.

I got a phone call tonight from a kid whose parent works with my mom. She has an interview with the College of Medicine in the next few weeks. She sounded so young, so fresh, so excited about the prospect of getting to become a doctor. I remember those days, I remember being that almost child-like enthusiasm for medicine, before years of the forces greater than me grinding away at me, shaping and forming the physician-to-be. They carve away at who you are, chipping out what is unsuitable, making you more and more like them, re-shaping the way you think, the patterns that keep, the way you live, where you live, how you spend your time....and you pray that somewhere along the way you have not lost the essence of who you are. I pray that I have retained the inherent elements that make me who I am.

How do you explain that to the bright eyed hopeful wishing to be physicians? You cant. There is no way to describe to someone who doesnt live through medicine what it does to you, to your life. I dont actually know if I would have chosen it, I thank God He chose me for it. I think I would have been too fearful. I do not regret it, but I wouldn't do it over again--Once in a lifetime is enough. It is a life that has required me to sacrifice more than ever understood before. It has required me to become much more disciplined. Yet, through it God has brought me more joy than I thought possible. And that my friends is the Grace of God.