Time to be Brave

I was in the OR today with the very Christian O&G doc. This doctor is the embodiment of a life that over-flows with the joy of Christ--smiling, laughing, singing in the OR, jovial comraderie with all colleagues, kind and gentle with patients, praying before every surgery. Great roll model. Reminds me of how much I still have to allow the Holy Spirit refine me, and how I need to submit and surrender, and really truly embrace living only for the Glory of the Living God.

"God hasnt called us to half time work. We work fulltime to destabilize the kingdom of Satan."-a Regina Doc.

I amazingly got home today from the General in time to go for a run before dark. My first out-door run in the Queen city--there have been time or weather constraints before now. Running around Wascana Park with the Legislature building dominating the horizon, the wind sweeping over my face, the chaos of my life melted away--if only for the 45min I was out there. And God reminded me that my identity as a Child of God is ingrained within the very fabric of my being, and no external changes, no matter how great they are, will ever alter who He has made me to be, or my relationship to Him. Time to start living boldly, standing in the Truth; and the days that fear and the feeling of abandonment creep back, I will return to moments of clarity, such as this one.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father.The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." Romans 8:15-16

"So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave"
~from Brave by Nicole Nordeman

The Lists of Sevens

At the request of T-Mo, I have compiled the random lists of sevens. The glorious joy of having a day off, means I can indulge this request! However I must admit that to choose only seven things for some of the lists was really difficult, most of the lists are not inclusive for the category and that some of the lists are in no particular order....

7 Things I would like to do before I die:
1. Get married and start a family
2. Become fluent en Francais
3. Go back to Africa--repeatedly
4. Go to Australia
5. Learn to scuba dive and surf--and do these things often
6. Pay off my debt
7. Attend an Olympic Games

7 Things I can't do (yet)
1. Get married and start a family
2. Earn money--hence I cant pay off my debt
3. Run a marathon
4. Photograph, curl, or play hockey well
5. Have my own dark room (and know how to use it).
6. Speak French fluently
7. Know where I'll be in a year and half

7 Things I'm into at the moment
1. Playing hockey, and ultimate frisbee
2. Running and swimming
3. Travelling
4. Crossword puzzles
5. Reading
6. Bible study, fellowship, CMDS
7. Taking pictures

7 Things I say most often
1. Hi, I'm Lauren, the senior medical student on the unit, and I will be assessing you today...
2. Why have you come to the hospital today
3. Sorry I'm on call that day
4. I miss you
5. Bruts! (or Brutal!)
6. Are you kidding me?!
7. Tight

7 Cds I could listen to over and over
1. Third Day
2. Switchfoot
3. U2
4. Relient K
5. Best of Bach, Beethoven, Vivaldi...etc
6. Downhere
7. Norah Jones

7 Movies I could watch over and over (similar disclaimer to the T-Mo, I generally dont watch movies over, but of those I love here are seven(ish) I could watch repeatedly BUT this list is not inclusive, its just the first seven I thought of...)
1. Princess Bride
2. Lord of the Rings Trilogy
3. Star Wars
4. Napoleon Dynamite
5. Italian Job and Oceans 11 (both the re-make versions)
6. First Knight
7. The bests of Drew: Ever After, Never been Kissed, 50 First Dates

7 Books I recommend other people should read
1. The Bible
2. Mere Christianity
3. Lord of the Rings, and The Hobbit
4. My Name is Asher Lev
5. Chronicles of Narnia
6. Anything by J. Budziszewski
7. Anything by Peter Kreeft

Okeedokee...there the lists. It feels very permanent to have a list in writing. I put the disclaimer that this list is subject to variation in the future!

BTW--this post is just for fun. The previous days post is a more a reflection of the journey's current status.

To whom do you belong...

God is good. The trial may not be ceasing, but He has sent me refreshing for my soul in the midst of my wilderness.

First off, I have survived after working 100h in labour and delivery in 7 days. Praise God.

Erin and Tim E are here this weekend, and Erin came over tonight to stay the night and we spent the whole evening dialoguing on a heart to heart level---this has been what I miss the most about Saskatoon, is the intimate relationships with my female Christian friends. The guys are great, but its different. I actually cried when they arrived, (shocking, I know). And Erin made me a card, and my CMDS Bible study group all signed is, and filled it with encouraging notes and verses. The card was beautiful. Again more tears, but good tears. A sweet reminder of being loved by the Family, arriving precisely when I needed it. God is good, and He has not forgotten me in the wilderness.

Then I opened my email tonight. A perfectly timed email from Amy, speaking the Truth in Love to me. I have included exerpts because, well frankly, Truth should be shared.

"But you belong.[Period. End of sentence. No
qualifiers.] The Holy One anointed you and you all
know it.

Stay with what you heard from the beginning, the
original message. Let it sink into your life. If what
you heard from the beginning lives deeply in you, you
will live deeply in both Son and Father. This is
exactly what Christ promised: eternal life, real life!
(1 John 2: 20-21, 24-25).

No matter what, this is the truth I'm to live in: that I belong.
To him. And I'm not to live in lies. I'm to stay in
the truth I've been in since the beginning, even when
it seems absurd from here."

I Belong. I am His. He has not forgotten me, nor will He forsake me.

I Belong to Him. I am in His Body, which is not dependent on time or space.

Praise God.

Down Trodden and tasting reality

Perhaps it was naive of me to think that I would have the opportunity to integrate into a community in Regina that was not explicitly the medical community.

After seeing my on call schedule for February, I have almost given up even wanting to attempt to integrate into a community. Including this week, for six weeks I am on call every other Sunday. No church. No day of rest. Arg. The weekends I am not on call are booked with things like the OSCE (a clinical exam) in Saskatoon, and important family events in Prince Albert. And how silly to think that 1 in 2 call would be found only in Obstetrics---apparently its required in both Gynecology and Pyschiatry as well, and is likely a trend that will be persisting.

It would appear that I will be hard pressed to retain any of the friendships that are so dear to me throughout this JURSI year and a half; and the thought of making new friends was at best optimistic and at worst, just plain foolish.

Feeling alone and isolated as I near the end of my 100h Labour and Delivery week. How I am supposed to have any meaningful interactions with people when I work for 25h, come home to sleep, and then go back the next day to work another 25? Simply cannot be done. In general the trend would seem that the hospital does consume you during clinical training; oh I knew this was what I was told before, but it is more bitter pill to actually swallow than I anticipated. Currenly the only saving grace is that I have my classmates that I have come to know and love over the past two and a half years, serving as a tiny buffer, all of us tenuously holding the others on this side of sanity. But I think to the long dark road ahead and consider the prospect of moving across the country for residency, truly alone, knowing no one, no time to integrate into a community, and my soul shudders at the thought.

Oh I love the medicine. I just never anticipated doing only medicine.

Election Day

I love election day.

Its one of my favorite days, spending the night watching the results unfold---its "reality TV" that actually matters.

I remember sitting up watching election results with my Dad, back when I was a little girl. Its even more exciting now, that I am able to excerise my right to vote. This is one of the few elections that I havent been able to watch with him. I called him this evening, and yes, of course, he was tuned in and watching. I hope Rex Murphy is on CBC tonight----I havent seen him yet.

By the end of the night, there could be a change of the winds in Canada.

So exciting. Its an opportunity for a fresh start, a clean slate. In the weeks and months to come, there will inevitably be things that the new government does that will displease various groups of people; it is not possible to please everyone. But for today, tonight, the future is teeming with possibility.

Extreme On Call

If I survive Labour and Delivery on call this week I will likely survive med school.

I have 100h on the L&D unit in 7 days. One 25h block down (24h on call followed by an hour lecture), 75h to go. Last night I did not see the inside of my call room, and Thursday 19 Jan was swallowed by the black hole.

I will admit to being very frusterated at my more senior colleagues. I had one patient that came in at 04:00h, who was seriously acutely ill, and happened to be pregnant. Obstetrically she was fine, but she needed to be assessed by a real doctor. I made nine phone calls to three different physicians, and no one would come down to see her. By the time I left at 0800h the consulting physician still had not arrived. As one of my mentors so wisely told me, "if you would go see the patient at 3 in the afternoon, you should go see them at 3 in the morning".

Its amazing how sleep deprivation messes with your brain, and distorts your perception. I was curtly reprimanded for my inadequate case presentation by the attending who was taking over the unit at 0800h this morning. Ordinarily, I would have been a little taken aback, but tried to learn from what he was saying, and perhaps ask some intelligent questions about how I could improve things for next time etc, but after being awake for the past 26h, it was all I could do to nod, mumble a few, oks, bit my lip, and promptly leave so as not to burst into tears. Also astonishing upon reflection that this doctor didnt even bother to find out if I had ever done hand-over rounds before, and to then just teach me how.

Basically no teaching occurs between 0300h and 0800h---everyone is too sleep deprived and on edge to care at that point.

But I delivered four babies, assessed more pregnant women than I can count, ruptured membranes, inserted my first fetal scalp electrode (which I had never done before, and I had no one there coaching me through it, I just had to do it, with my heart in my throat I might add).

Really, this next week is just about survival.

Theraputic O&G

Today I phoned one of the O&G docs to ask if I could do clinic with them this afternoon. I had heard good things about this doc, and had a high index of suspicion that he was a Believer.

What an afternoon.

It was great--first off, he had me seeing patients by myself, and always coming in to see the patient with me afterward. Superb bedside teaching.

Then at some point in the afternoon, he found out I was a Christian, and then he started telling me of all the ways he has seen God move through his practice. Absolutely inspiring. He stressed that first and foremost, he lives for Jesus. Being a doctor comes afterward---it should never come before. And, then to top it off, he prayed with me before I left. It was a very theraputic afternoon for my soul. I cant help but think how much more incredible medical school would be if all professors were like that--if all doctors were like that. The neat thing is that even the non-christian students really like this doc as a preceptor, because his zeal for teaching, and kind and gentle spirit are evident to everyone.

Yes, it was a good day at the office.

Bitter sweet irony

Today, I had a conversation with a friend, that was almost a perfect mirror image of a previous conversation I had quite sometime ago with a different friend. Only this time, it was me giving the unwanted truth, that was difficult to hear. Its a sickening sort of feeling that settled in my soul----if only because I had not so long ago sat on the other side, and I can so vividly recall exactly what that was like. Now I inflicted that same experience on someone else. Brutal.

Really I think these things only happen to me...

I came home Friday night to find a ticket on my car. I looked around again, but I was correct that there are NO SIGNS about parking anywhere on the street. I open the ticket to read "this vehicle is ticketed for violating Bylaw 9900 Section 35 (c) unlawful to park on a street for more than 24 hours. IF THIS VEHICLE IS NOT MOVED OFF THE BLOCK BY 16 JAN 06 IT WILL BE SEIZED" So according to the City of Regina, I cant park on the street infront of my house. I phoned the PD, and the officer told me to move my car every two days to another block...sort of defeats the purpose of living within walking distance to the Hospital. Regardless I owe the City $15.00 if I pay the ticket within the next 14 days.

I suppose next time I move into a city I will have to request a copy of all the City Bylaws and read them thoroughly to ensure that I dont inadvertently become non-law abiding citizen.


Today I went to get extra keys cut for my appt, so I can keep a spare at a friends house etc, at a store that shall not be named. I gave him two keys, asking for two copies of each key. All of a sudden the key cutter utters a loud "S#@!" Instead of placing a blank in the machine with an original, he placed BOTH originals in the machine, and started cutting over top of my original. He muttered to me after that he thought it would be okay still for me to get into the house with, but I spent the whole drive home thinking how ridiculous I was going to sound calling my landlord to say I was locked out of my house.

To top it off--none of the keys I got cut actually work in the locks. I will have to try again another day, at another store.

The rubber begins to meet the road today, and I realize how insufficient medical school is to prepare you for what its really like to have your life interface with your patient's lives, as they journey through some of the most tumultuous times of their lives. Medicine is an endeavor all about people and life, and doctors are not just technicians for a machine known as the body. My life becomes connected to my patients by virtue of what I do--but the end result has a large part to with how I deal with this connection.

Its amazing how much of what we say is conveyed in how we say it. Something we all know, but it is so true. Watching doctors give news of possible bad outcomes from a pregnancy, I could see how by only stating facts they did not provide hope, or reassurance--they only instilled fear and worry. Granted, bad news is bad news BUT if there is an 80% chance of death, there is also a 20% chance of survival. 1 in 5 still make it. Not the best "odds", but the numbers are not zero. Why is it that some doctors focus on the negative part of the numbers?

At least medical school will help me refine my ability to show compassion. One of the docs I admire in Saskatoon talks about how a large part of our job is to give people hope. We are to be truthful, but to help our patients find hope rather than despair.

First Night on Call

Halfway through the first week. Its a good thing obstetrics is first, because if I can survive this, I think I will be able to get through almost anything!

I spent my first day of JURSI on call for Labour and Delivery. I think we delivered about 8 babies that night--its somewhat of a blur at this point. Yes, there is not much sleep on L&D, it was 530am before my head saw a pillow, and then I got the wake-up page from switchboard at 730am so I could make it to morning teaching seminar. It was a bizarre painful sensation that shot through every fiber of my body, and I let out a small moan, before I rolled out and my feet hit the floor. And delight of delights, we had scheduled JURSI specific teaching that day until 4pm, there truly was no rest for the weary that day. But, the good thing is, if I have to be up all through the night--if that is mandatory, at least on L&D you get to participate in a new life entering the world this side of the womb. I had to really focus not to burst into tears of joy at my first delivery.

Interestingly enough (although, not surprising), is the atmosphere around the issues of the beginning of life. Everyday I feel as though I need to be on guard, cautious, and pay attention to the calculated moves that are executed around me, so as to to get caught in their web. One doctor tried to corner me today, but I think I skillfully diffused the situation. There is no point in having a discussion if the only purpose is to have an argument. And its was only day 3.

After being on call on Monday, I feel as though I lost an entire day. I dont think I have actually seen Regina daylight since I have been here! While I love being in the hospital, I really dislike feeling like entire days are being swallowed by a black hole. I literally have not had ten minutes to sit and ponder the teachings from the weekend yet, and I likely will not have time until this coming weekend.

the weekend journey of my soul

It is amazing to me the range of emotions I have experienced in the last three days.

The retreat was a drink of cold water for my soul. Refreshing, and energizing, providing the basic form of sustenance. Many facets of the weekend combine to have this effect.

First, arriving was like coming home, a foreshadowing of what Heaven will be like. Being with the Saskatoon Friends (see Four Loves by Lewis for why capital F Friends), my community, my brothers and sisters in the faith that I have walked through many trials with; the people who encourage me, and hold me accoutable, and I do the same for them. The Hardings, my beloved mentors who always inspire and supply bountiful wisdom. Then added to this, was the fellowship of my Friends from the different campuses that I have connected with over the past three years at retreats. Even though we have only spent a few short total number of days together, our hearts are connected through our common faith, and our medical experiences, and when we meet we interact in deep and meaningful ways. Also, being away, in nature, surrounded by God's majestic creation, playing outdoors, forgetting the trials and demands of everyday life, we were freed to just BE. To be children of God, and spend the entire weekend seeking Him, His Truth, and fellowshipping with the Body. For these reasons I think that the annual retreat weekend has become one of my favorite weekends of the year.

And then the teaching. Dr Peter Kreeft was amazing, and I think I will actually leave commenting on what I learned for several days until I have had time to sleep and process.

And then when it was time to say goodbye to the Saskatoon contingent of the U of S CMDS community I wept. I unashedly wept. My heart felt all the grief and sorrow of parting, saying goodbye once more. My heart blood has been spilled, and today I was acutely reminded of this wound, that is still very real, and still very raw. But I know that this is the price of loving--is sorrow and pain. If I did not love them as deeply as I do, it would not be so painful to leave. And the alternative--of letting my heart harden and become as stone, is no alternative that is really a choice for me. I was very naive to think that the wound on my heart was so quickly healed.

“We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if he chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.” ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief, and heals them." ~ Tolstoy

"It is in the fire of suffering that God brings forth the gold of godliness"
-Madame Guyon

Should have been a frequent flyer

I really should have signed up for frequent flyer miles in first year.

I fly out to Winnipeg tomorrow, to the Western Annual CMDS Students Retreat. Guess who the headliner speaker is this year? PETER KREEFT! Wow its going to be so amazing. I am very excited about a weekend to spiritually recharge, and to focus before the absolute chaos of JURSI breaks loose. That, and the chance to go skating outdoors, and potentially play some hockey with my friends from differernt provinces---also always a rockin' good time. It unfortunately is difficult to bring a hockey stick on an airplane if you're not an allstar athlete like our Canadian Junior boys for example.

While my calendar for January filled up in one day, simply by opening my Obs/Gyne orientation package, I am really enjoying the new academic season thus far. I even had time tonight to make supper for my friends, and a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for the boys. All of this after I wrote an exam, and successfully ran a simulated megacode, where I had an "patient" who had no effective heart pumping for him. Really a full and productive day. I love those.

I hope that this weekend is useful for firing up the troops, to activate and motivate the next generation of Christian physicians to stand up and step into the void, to provide a standard of care that is different than everyone else and to be ready to fight to be able to practice in a way that is honouring to God, as we are surrounded on all sides by pressure to conform to the status quo.

Preventative medicine really is the way to go.

First Day

Today marked the beginning of my life as a JURSI.

It was very surreal walking to the hospital with Eddie and Mark. It was like starting a new school, or a new job--all the butterflies and anticipation of the completely unexpected, not knowing what all the nuances will be, except with this strange twist that I was venturing into this unknown with some of my dearest friends, and in all 20 people that I know well and enjoy their company. Regina doesnt quite feel like home yet. One of the boys commented that it felt like we were away on elective.

Orientation was good, although very strikingly resembled a full day of lectures, as we sat in a room with tables for most of the day and had people talk to us. The docs who are deptartment heads all came and welcomed us, and they all seemed very genuine in being excited about having a large group of us here. Good sign. The Assoc Dean for Regina welcomed us, and was very up front and honest about things that are issues, things that are good, and what they are doing to work on the problem areas. Good sign. Then we tromped around for pictures for id badges, toured the JURSI lounge, got the cursed black boxes (pagers), were fitted for our customized scrubs (we get issued five personal pairs, and two lab coats), got issued more textbooks and all of this before lunch. After lunch saw a seminar on infection control (handwashing) and the 12 steps of how to properly take off protective gear so as not to contaminate oneself, along with being tested in space helmets for N-95 respirators. A full day.
Tomorrow I learn how to defibrillate and intubate people.

The interesting thing about all of this orientation stuff, is I realize I dont know anything and that the first two and a half years of medicine were to ensure I would be able to understand what they were teaching me when the actually started teaching me to be a doctor.

Then after work (I really am puzzled as to whether to call it work or school...) Kelly and his parents hosted our class for a FABULOUS meal in their home. Five different appetizers, two salads, two lasangas, a beef stew dish, mashed potatoes, for main course, and homemade truffle with Rolo icecream for dessert. WOW. It was such a blessing for us all to be able to dine together after today, and eat good homemade food.

It is a new season.

If You say Go

Tonight I made the drive of finality from Prince Albert to my new home---Regina. This time I am here for the long haul. Tomorrow morning begins with orientation, and a whole new adventure: JURSI.

I confess that I have had a downdrodden spirit about this move, but I feel a change in the seat of my soul. Its starting small, and will have to be nurtured with care to grow, but I will be anointed with the oil of joy about this new adventure. I seem to forget that I willingly volunteered to go to Regina--oh so long ago last March. God knows that if the decisions had to be made this past semester, I likely would have chose differently and not paid attention to the Holy Spirit out of my fear. But here I am. I do want to go where He leads me, to have faith that my little picture fits into the Big Picture. It is interesting how much heart blood has to be spilled to follow--I knew that it would be challenging, but I never really understood the cost, and I think I still have much to learn about the cost of true sacrifice. Yes, I did opt out of ordinary a long, long time ago.

Ah but He knows what I need better than I know myself, He will provide me with all I need, and He will not stretch me beyond what I can bear.

And now for the theme song of the moment:

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

lyrics by Diane Thiel