Celebrating

So the group of us Saskatchewan girls threw a bridal shower for the lovely BC born Erin, just before she flies home to marry our very own Saskatchewan boy Tim E this summer. To our good fortune they will be making Saskatchewan their home after this summer!





We played a game where all the guests brought some of their own sleepware, and Erin had to figure out who sleeps in what. She was quite perplexed to as she tried to guess who sleeps in a tiny pink fuzzy thing!












As is custom, we 'showered' the bride with gifts...





And as is also custom, some of the gifts made her the 'blushing bride'!









And these are the gorgeous Gerbers and lilies that Eddie gave me to celebrate my arrival to Saskatoon, and getting to spend four weeks together in toon town. They filled Tin's appartment with their heavenly fragrance for over a week.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

Last week was somewhat overwhelming for me in many respects. However, as always, in the place of feeling pressed on all sides, God revealed Himself yet again, and the Holy Spirit shed some light on a few things for me:

1) I am not nearing the end of the woods in terms of knowledge of medicine. This past week I think I only started to realize how deep the forest really is, and how far I have yet to go. But its just like every other time that I have encountered a new learning curve--it is intimidating at first, and seems insurmountable, but as I set back, and decide to go one day at a time, I eventually learn to function at that next level; although it takes a lot of steep uphill climbing to get there. The last time I can recall this sort of scenario was the year I started medical school. I really shouldnt be surprised that it would get harder again! But He will see me through. It is a humbling thing to be reminded that on my OWN, I CANT do it. Through HIM I can. This is a seemingly subtle, but oh so key distinction.

2) Christ is my Savior--not any of the things He blesses me with. Those are His to give and take away. I am not saved or 'held together' by the ways He blesses me. Those are Graces He has afforded me. Its the old addage "God is more concerned with your character than with your comfort". I have been frequently uncomfortable these past few months. God is stretching me. It is unpleasant a lot of the time, sometimes down right painful. But there is also a lot of joy He has brought me too.

3) Do I trust Him? He has been faithful in all things, working out the details of my life with exacting precision, in ways beyond anything I could ask or imagine. He has brought me this far, He will not leave me here. He will see me through. I will reach the other side.

Funny, none of these things are truly 'new' realizations, but like all important lessons in life, they are often repeated.

A day in the Life

Wow. Saskatoon JURSI is a different flavor than Regina.

First of all, the attending I am with this week knows EVERYTHING about everything. Seriously. She is an Infectious Disease specialist, ran hospitals in Africa for years, knows everything about almost all specialities. She's brilliant. So naturally, my own lack of knowledge becomes painfully obvious when viewed in that light.

Second, we actually do real rounds here--I see my patients on my own in the morning, then in the afternoon the team rounds -- the attending, two residents, two JURSIs, a pharmacist and a pharmacy student. And thus on rounds the grilling of JURSIs happens. Quizzed and questioned, having to say all to often, "I dont know". This is a STRONG motivator to go home and study.

Third--its exhausting tromping around feeling as though you are incompetent ALL day. I think its that chronic feeling of "man I dont know ANYTHING, I have GOT to study more" that is really exhausting. Its not the physical walking around all day. Its mental exhaustion.

Fourth I realize I am going to be exhausted everyday for the next five to six years.

But even with all that--its still fun. Go figure.

He Is Risen

He Is Risen Indeed.

Today is the day that Christians celebrate the Resurrection--the empty tomb. Our Jesus not only died on the Cross, but three days later He Rose again. Praise be to God!

It amazes me, but doesnt really surprise me, that the rest of our society thinks that this holiday is only about eggs and bunnies. Its sad really, how the real meaning of this celebration has been lost in a heap of chocolate. Why do we endorse the comercialization of our sacred Holy Days?

But that said, there is a remnant of the faithful--to whom today is a profoundly joyous day. The day that changed all of human history forever, is celebrated around the world by those who acknowledge Him as Lord and Saviour.

Happy Easter!

Welcome Back

I arrived in Saskatoon on Thursday, and my soul feels so much more at ease. Back into the place where I am surrounded with the familiar, and with the people whom I love to spend my time with. Already phone calls with Heather, Camille, Erin making plans to visit--delightful. Oh, Regina is an adventure alright--but so is JURSI by itself. It will be very nice to have four weeks in a familar place before I take off all over for electives. And nice to be in the same city as Eddie--even if his parents have a cat!

Grim Reaper

"Medicine is by definition a moral activity" ~ John Patrick

I had my first death of a patient this week. I wasnt actually in the room when he died, but all the same, the experience has affected me. These are the things they do not teach you in medical school--what to do when you are there as a family is being told their loved one is now terminally ill, with days or even only hours to live. Watching a wife and 12 year old son as they cry, overcome with grief, at losing their husband and father. How to discuss the "CT films with good teaching points"---while the family is meters away in another room, and the patient lies at death's door a few meters in the other direction. Seeing streams of relatives, brothers, sisters, tiny young nephews come in to say their final goodbyes. What to do as your insides become liquid, your heart pounds in your ears, your eyes sting with tears, and you feel like you cant breathe.

How to remain "professional" and still be human?

Even with our best medicines, we cant save everybody--it is one thing to cognitively know this, another to experience it. As I read about the condition that was the cause of death for my patient today, the 25% mortality rate was more than just a number. 1 in 4. And the worst part is, for this patient--it was devastating misfortune. He had absolutely no risk factors for the disease that was his demise, the doctors still dont know why he got it--and he went from normal and healthy, to a few minor symptoms in a month, then minor symptoms to dead in less than a week.

I can see how without Jesus many doctors loose their hope.

Digital Camera back in full force

So my digital camera that I thought became a very expensive rattle last semester is now working again (miraculously I do believe), and Eddie had graciously given me a cable to hook up to my IBook (I had thrown out the cable in the move because I thought I didnt need it anymore!). So anyhoo, my blog will be much more picturesque again. Yay!

So here are some pictures from JURSI night out in Regina, sponsored by the RQHR. Definitely the being thrown into hostile living conditions has caused the group of us to bond, cling to one another if you will, especially since most of us dont know other people here, nor do we have the time to cultivate extra-medical relationships. So the tighter knit we become...















Mark-o finally lets me get a photo with him..












Ray, charming as always...












The lovely Janelle is home from electives finally!










And free food always tastes better than what the poor student budget can buy... and yes that is Myles, trying to pose as a Regina JURSI while here on elective.







And even Schweitz made it out! Can you believe it!


And while I am photo documenting, Eddie came to PA with me this weekend to visit the fam.







Bald is irresistable!








And, one more funny story to close out the post... we got to Saskatoon for me to drop Eddie off (he is doing Peds there for six weeks, and I am still in Regina for four more days, I digress). Anyways, his mom came out to visit with us when we got there. First thing she says to me,
"I am SO HAPPY you guys are dating!!! I told Eddie, 'good choice'!" No joking! She was literally gushing over the fact that I was dating her son. I was a little embarassed, but I guess I dont have to wonder whether or not she approves of me!

Photo Update

A brief sampling of some of the highlights of the last month or so....work hard play hard!

Our brief day trip to BC took us to the lovely Radium Hot Springs...




















On the hill at Lake Louise




















On the Lake behind Chateau Lake Louise...









Brittney and I lounge for a night at the Temple Gardens Spa in Moose Jaw to celebrate her 19th Birthday...the celebration is a few months belated.







JURSIs get a night off to go out for grub! Look mom, no scrubs!








Being silly....










My lovely orchids...

23 y/o female; Day 2 in ICU

Today was great. I was incharge of two patients in the ICU, followed up their progress, and then presented them to the Intensivist at rounds. One patient with COPD, and one patient with--wait for it--methanol poisoning with concurrent ethanol intoxication requiring dialysis! I was calculating Anion Gaps, Osmolar Gaps, looking up methanol toxicity levels....so great! Honestly, its like doing puzzles all day.

I didnt mind psych, it was even fun at times, but I think its an adaptive mechanism, to start to enjoy what you are doing if you have to do it for a long time--that is of course if you dont absolutely despise it. And its easier to convince yourself that you enjoy something, when its been a long time since you have been able to do the thing your really enjoy best; then you forget how good something actually is. Like a cup of coffee on Easter Sunday after having given up coffee for Lent. And likely Psych seemed quite good because it was following Obs and Gyne!

Romance in Medicine

Today Eddie left for Saskatoon--he is doing his six weeks of pediatrics there, then we both take off for electives, rural family med, CTU in Saskatoon etc. So with our two JURSI schedules, between now and Christmas time (45 weeks) we will be spending all of eleven weeks in the same city. Somewhere between the combined itinerary of Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Saskatoon, Prince Albert, Moose Jaw, Ottawa, Halifax, and St. Johns (NFLD), we will see each other for those few 11 weeks! And lets not forget that we have two 1 in 4 call schedules to deal with, so even when we are in the same city its remarkable when either of us is not on call or post call, that is where we both have the night off and actually slept the night before!

This weekend was a 'free' weekend--I have finished one rotation, and have not started the next one, thus no pressure to be studying etc, just two glorious days where I could NOT feel behind. There were moments today, when we were just hanging out, the quiet moments of sharing a meal together, going to church together, or even just watching a movie together ---in these moments, the thought of just quitting school and being a normal person who worked a normal 8-5 job, who sees the people they care about on a daily basis---these thoughts crossed my mind. I wonder--is the sacrifice of travelling all over the country, being on call 1 in 4, sleeping little and working lots, spending months at a time away from my family, friends and now my boyfriend, is this sacrifice worth it?

I think it is. There is a cost, a price to pay, and it wont be easy; it isnt easy. But I think about the alternative, and I know that while the alternative to medicine would be gratifying for a while, but quickly thereafter I would get bored. Medicine is where I belong, it is what God has placed on my heart as where I am to focus many of my gifts, hence it is where I am fulfilled. Medicine and life are not an easy combination. Medicine and romance are even more difficult. Medicine x 2 and romance--challenging. But honestly, in the end I know it will be worth the effort. At the end of this crazy year and a half both Eddie and I will be trained in careers we both really enjoy and love, and eventually (after residency), we will regain some autonomy for our own schedules, and we will be able to enjoy both our professional and our personal lives.

Besides, its through God's use of medicine that I got to go to Africa right? Who knows how many more opportunities will come my way through this avenue of the medical profession?

Just Because

Today Eddie made me supper, a lovely meal of two different curry dishes. Mmmm tasty.

And he got me a gorgeous stem of orchids. Just because. Sublime. I just love orchids.

Yes I am very blessed.

Resisting Resentment

"if we believe suffering is the touch of God's grace, we will avoid resentment, arrogance, and above all pride, the primal and satanic sin. When we suffer, our natural instinct is to resent and resist. This implies a claim to perfect happiness: how dare this suffering intrude on my self-sufficiency and control?...
...an attitude of humility and gratitude in suffering brings deep joy, while an attitude of pride and ingratitude, even without suffering, brings joylessness. Proud people are simply not happy."
~ Making Sense Out of Suffering, Peter Kreeft

I read this the other day, and that line about our natural instinct is to resent, hit me square between the eyes. I resent being in Regina. I do not like the city itself. Oh, there are worse places to be, but there are definitely better places to be. I have found an attitude of resentment creeping into my outlook on life, and have found it to really be zapping my joy. I dont really know how to be joyful about Regina--Lord teach me how. If I dont figure that out, it is going to be a long long road until next May. How do you have joy when you would rather be somewhere else? Even if I convince myself Regina is OK, I know there is better, and I will still likely be counting down the days until I leave. Really I am at a loss here, as to how to NOT be living the time in Regina as 'doing time'. I need a touch of Grace.

What are you, then, my God?

"What are you, then, my God? What are you, I ask, but the Lord God? For who else is lord except the Lord, or who is god if not our God? You are most high, excellent, most powerful, omnipotent, supremely merciful and supremely just, most hidden yet intimately present, infinitely beautiful, and infinitely strong, steadfast yet elusive, unchanging yourself though you control the change in all things, never new, never old, renewing all things yet wearing down the proud though they know it not; ever active, ever at rest, guarding, creating and nurturing and perfecting, seeking although secure, you regret without sadness, you grow angry yet remain tranquil, you alter your works but never your plan; you take back what you find although you never lost it, you are never in need yet you regjoice in your gains... After saying all that, what have we said, my God, my life, my holy sweetness? What does anyone who speaks of you really say? Yet woe betide those who fail to speak, while the chatterboxes go on saying nothing."
~ Confessions, St Augustine.

May I not be one of those chatterboxes who talks much without saying anything. The first book of Confessions is written with an intensity and passion that inspires me to know my God more intimately, and to seek him more ferverently. And I am reminded of the importance of taking the time to read such things that strengthen my soul, rather than always and only books that strengthen the academic part of my mind.

Mozart

Tonight Eddie took me to the Symphony---they are having a Mozart Festival. First we made supper at his appartment, then got all decked out, and went to the concert.

It was amazing. We were in the fourth row from the orchestra, and there was a guest pianist there--we could see all of her facial expressions, her dramatic arm movements, the way she swayed with the music. I have never seen a musician become so completely enthralled with the music.

Sitting listening to the melodies and harmonies that delicately weave together, the enchanting sound filling the air--all of the things that happened during my week melted--faded from memory for that space of time. And I thought to myself--there will be the most beautiful music in Heaven.

In Saskatoon

Okay, all you loyal blog readers, my Saskatoon long lost friends...

I am in Saskatoon from April 17-28 for a two week rotation at RUH.

I know--its BIG NEWS! Mark it on your calendars--I expect you all to be calling me while I am in town!

Okay enough sass. I really am looking forward to that block of time, and I hope to catch up with a lot of you while I am there.

Miss you all!

Mountains Part II

I went to the mountains again this weekend---yes thats right again! Another fabulous weekend away from the Queen city. It is surprising how four days off felt like so much longer than four days.

This time I flew out to Calgary, where Eddie picked me up at the airport. He drove out earlier in the week and was visiting some of his buddies that he has been friends with for about twenty years (yes, since he was five years old). Eddie stayed with Chad, and I stayed at Uncle Jim and Auntie Marcella's---we were worried they might live on opposite ends of the city, but it was only about a ten minute drive away.

Thursday, after I arrived, Eddie and I hopped into the Civic, and off we drove to Radium Hot Springs. Kind of funny, because I travelled in three provinces in one day (Radium is in BC). It was so much fun. The drive to Radium is a beautiful windy mountain road, with the picturesque back drop of the towering Rockies. After soaking in the steamy mineral water with about twenty other people, we drove back to Banff.

Back in Banff, we found a delightful little mexican restuarant --the Magpie and Stump. After which we tested out the Banff Hot Springs--thats right, we spent the day hotspring hopping. It was grand. Radium has more chararcter---its more rustic.

Friday was consumed by snowboarding at Lake Louise. Poor Eddie had not boarded before, so he was quite sore the next day. We had fun laughing at each other that day. Then in the evening we went to Eddie's friends house to play cards and boardgames. It was great to get to meet his gang.

Saturday was a day for family. Auntie Marcella had supper for us, and then about twenty rel-ies came over to visit with the long lost Saskatchewan cousin and her boyfriend. I think I am from the Kucharski stock though---they are into travelling, hosting family gatherings, big families, sports---I felt right at home. They teased Eddie pretty good, but he was of course ridiculously good natured about the whole thing.

And Sunday we drove home. Man is that a LONG drive! It was good though.

Pictures will follow!

Mountains

I just got back today from an amazing four days in the mountains. Wow do I love the outdoors and God's spectacular Creation.

Arleen, my outdoor adventure superstar friend, and I packed into my little sunfire on Thursday, and made the nine hour trek to Canmore, a small little town just outside of Banff National Park. We were slowed up slightly by a nasty winter storm between Medicine Hat and Calgary, which had us travelling at 50kph, but we made it.

The first stop however was at MEC, which for some strange reason only exists online in Saskatchewan. I LOVE that store! I was able to finally pick up a respectable sleeping bag for a person who like the 'back-country', a therma-rest (which was on sale for less than half price :) , my first dry bag (a sack for packing gear in, so that if your canoe tips, your stuff stays dry), and a fleece.

After MEC, we made it to our little hotel in Canmore. We actually got a super good deal on accomodations and lift tickets, so that was great. We spent two days on the mountain at Lake Louise, which is definitely worth the drive. The weather was perfect--sunny, warm but not too warm, lots of base snow. Amazing. The second day we tried the back side of the mountain, which is simply breath-taking, as you cant see the parking lot or any of the other man made stuff, and you are just on the mountain. SOOO GREAT!

And how stoked am I that I have another long weekend booked for next weekend? Extremely. Three more days of pediatric psych and then back to the mountains. You see, I realized that with all the silly rules around when JURSIs are allowed to take holidays, if I dont take some days off in Psych, I wont be able to take all my holidays, for two more days off I go!

Reason #16 Why I Wont Do Pediatrics

I am currently doing a two week block in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

I like the patients--lots of adolescents, they are neat kids, with more issues than the average kid, but neat kids nonetheless.

Its the parents that are responsible for them that I cannot tolerate.

Let me say that I know that there are a lot of wonderful parents in the world--two of them are mine, I know many others and I plan to meet even more of them. But there are some really BAD parents too, unfortunately.

I have seen so many kids that come from really messed up homes and they are just caught in the middle of adults who dont know how to be adults well.

I saw a kid today who has some issues with authority, some behavioral issues, some substance use issues, some anger management issues--he's got some things to work on. Granted. But he is living at home with his mom and step-dad, the step-dad who threatens to leave the mom if she doesnt choose him over her son. It make my insides crawl to think of men seeing women's children as their enemies, and it makes me shudder at the chaos that results when the Natural Law is broken. This kid's mom called the RCMP to bring him in to the ER on a warrant for a mental health assessment because he mentioned a few weeks ago that he would rather be dead. I have seen suicidal people. This kid was NOT suicidal. The catch to this story is that the mom and step-dad are leaving the country tomorrow on vacation, and they wanted the kid to be admitted to the psych ward while they were away. I was SO frusterated I was ready to lose it, but I didnt. What a total lack of parental coping skills, AND completely irresponsible use of services.

Its absolutely unbelievable how many parents call the police to deal with their kids that are 12, 13, 14 etc, when they are getting out of hand at home. I already cant believe how many times I have heard, "I had to call the police", and then they tell you about the incident, and I am sitting there thinking, 'you need to quit being afraid of your kid, and start showing them some tough love---your kids dont need you to be a buddy, they need boundaries'.

Give me kidney failure to manage any day.

Unexpected

My life has taken an unexpected turn this week---unexpected but good.

God never ceases to surprise me with the opportunities he has me walk into, the ones that I do not see until I have run smack into them. But after I have recovered my composure, and my head has quit spinning, I can see that this new adventure will be a good one, and that He has blessed me with unexpected blessings.

One of my closest friendships has grown into something more. Still is a bit surreal, but only because it is so out of the blue, and was NEVER forseen by myself, hence I do feel like I got hit with a 2x4---sort of a 'where the heck did that come from?!?'. As far as everything else goes, its very real, genuine and concrete, not shrouded in mystery or trying to guess what the other is thinking, and I am not nerved up, apprehensive, or anxious about the whole thing, I am just very calm, at peace, happy and feeling very blessed.

Ash Wednesday

Today was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent---the forty days of fasting in the Christian tradition that are to prepare for the celebration of Jesus' death and resurrection, otherwise known as Easter.

Interestingly enough, the two Catholic boys that I have come to know and love, were both working the night/graveyard shift at the hospital, so Ray and I, the 'protestants' (although I think this title is becoming less representative of the real story), anyways, we the 'protestants' trotted off to Ash Wednesday Mass at St Martin's parish in Regina.

I have to say, that I have really come to appreciate Catholic mass. This one today in particular was really something to think about. The emphasis was on turning from sins and living a life that is faithful to the Gospel. They also were welcoming new Catholics to join them in Lent, and then they will be officially joined with the Church at Easter. The priest prayed for the new members, and the first two things they prayed for the newbies were: that they have a fruitful daily prayer life, and that they read the Word daily and meditate on it. In that same hour, we were instructed on the importance of fasting, why its done, how it shouldnt be done etc. There was reading of scripture, singing of hymns, communion, and distribution of the Ashes. The funny thing was, the content of the messages told sounded like they could have been preached at any of the other churches I have attended---but in addition to that, in one hour they touched on all of the cardinal elements of the Christian Faith. I think I have to say that coming out of a Catholic mass I always have encountered a more holistic view of the Christian faith than when I come out of a protestant service.

I have given up coffee and junk food (this means sweets--cookies etc, and deep fried stuff). I figured coffee would be the thing that would be a daily sacrifice, and its the closest thing I have to a daily vice (dont get me wrong, I have vices, just that most of them arent daily problems). I toyed with giving up other things, but most everything else I would have given up would have been either quite easy to give up, or not something that would daily remind me that I am to re-focus my thoughts and my life on the Cross.