Ride the wave

As I got my bicycle out of the garage today, I marvelled at how my body goes through the rhythmical movements as if by rote to carry me to the hospital: it would require a very conscious and deliberate act of defiance for me to not make there.

While I rode, I pondered at how swiftly the past six months have passed. It is as though I am riding a wave, and it will carry me to the end almost regardless of what I do. The wave has so much momentum that I couldnt stop and get off, even if I wanted to. Not that I want to. It is a very strange sensation to feel as though you are moved with an invisible force that is larger than life itself. As if by instinct, my body mind and soul have learned what to do to ride the wave. Ride or peril in attempting to quit. Might as well learn to enjoy the ride, since I am already on the wave...

I was almost startled when I found myself at the end of the day. It is as though the path is set, and I have no control over the course. Three years ago I made a decision to get on this wave, and wherever He decides this wave will go, so will I. I had the choice as to whether or not to get on, but now hold on for the ride, cling to what you hold dear, and pray you make it to the shore with the things that are most important still intact. I dont even know really where this wave ends, I just know I am on it.

I think that if one is not careful, this tremendous momentum would carry you all the way through one's entire life, at a ridiculous pace, all the way to the end. I think there will be crucial points in the journey, decisions that will determine whether to stay on this wave, or to get on ones with different momentum, and different courses. The challenge will be to be alert enough and discern those decisions when they are in front of you, and to not just let them glide right by without recognizing their significance.

Social Relief

Praise God for the weekend. I have had a long week at the General, and I am very much ready for two days off!

My solitude has been alleviated in part this week by two girls I have met here in particular. One is Emily, the dorm dean for the college who is living here this summer, and the other is Sarah, Sheila's niece who I have gotten to know a little while I am here. There was watching game 7 of the Stanely Cup finals with Sarah at her appartment while baking cookies earlier in the week, supper for celebrating Emily's birthday yesterday, and today I went out with Sarah and some of her small group friends.

Tonight we went to a violin concert put on by one of Sarah's friends. It was in a little church that is no too far from the hospital. We were adventurous and took the bus to get there (I am still afraid of the bus system--I have anxiety about missing the bus and being late for things). Anyways we made it there just fine. We then afterward went to the market for gelato and walked around Parliament. The market was really vibrant and alive at night, with the sunset sinking in the background sky--all the streets had the trees all light up, and sidewalk lanterns glowing with soft yellow light. There were of course people out in droves, in all sorts of attire, some really elegant and posh, to the very granola, or the grunge goth. It was a very high stimuli experience, almost to sensory overload, with sights, sounds and smells. I smelt a wide array of smoke tonight, ranging from cigarettes, to cigars, to marjiuana and everything inbetween!

Anyways, the city was beautiful, with the park areas smelling dewy and lush, with the trees in full bloom. It made me miss Eddie, as I would love to experience the Ottawa downtown at night with him!

Adventures in Solitude

I went to the market today for about two hours with Emily, the other girl who is staying at the College. And then I spent the rest of the day by myself. I went back downtown, and wandered around the airconditioned Rideau Center to escape from the stiffling Ontario humidity. It is amazing how I can feel totally alone while surrounded by bustling, jostling masses of people. People all around, noisy, loud, with no one really talking. Bumping into other people, but no one really connecting.

Even amidst the swarms of crowds, my own thoughts echo loudly in my head. I am alone with the voice in my head. It is a strange thing to be alone by circumstance, rather than by choice. At home being alone is a choice--I can at any moment pick up a phone and initiate a social interaction with people I know well. Here I am alone by default. I dont think I could be busy, even if I tried. Its like an imosed social hiatus. My phone rings once a day--when Eddie calls me for our daily conversation. And somedays my mom phones too. Those are the two voices that link me to the on-going world.

Two more weeks.

24 with warm hearts and wet feet

I spent my 24th birthday this weekend in Saskatoon with Eddie, my wonderful boyfriend. It was like a breath of fresh air to be able to go home for the weekend. My heart always feels at ease when I fly into the Saskatoon airport after I have been away for a while.

Eddie planned a hot air balloon ride, but due to the inclement weather, this was post-poned until a later weekend this summer. So we went for a walk along the river bank in the rain instead, sporting the "Gustbuster", Eddie's hurricane proof golf umbrella. While the weather was cool and rainy, it was still beautiful. My feet did get alarmingly drenched however! This was followed by supper at Keos, watching the end of the hockey game, doing our reading for Church the next day, and watching a movie. It was a low-key weekend, but deliciously fantastic.

And then to my delight my parents came into town for lunch the next day. We wound up at Montana's--without me putting it together that that meant moose hat for me. And of course, Eddie made sure to inform the waitress that he would like the moose hat for my birthday. At least we got some good photos out of that!

And now my Eddie is off to Newfoundland, and I am back in Ottawa, with another four weeks until we see each other again. Hopefully they will pass by quickly!

Big City Burnout

I have decided I wouldnt like to live in a big city. Why you ask? Why when there are so many exciting things to do, the restaurants, the shopping, the arts, the shows, the sporting events, the market, the downtown (all of whick I find fun and exciting by the way)--why wouldnt you want to live in a big metropolitan city like that?

I will tell you why--or at least some of the reasons why.

When I arrived back in Ottawa after my birthday weekend at home, I stood around and waited for my bags at the luggage carosel. The trouble was it took three times longer than it does in Saskatoon.

Next I went outside and stood in a line up that was thirty people deep to get a taxi. More waiting.

Then, I took a 25 minute, $30.00 cab ride back to my temporary residence. Did you know it takes about 10 minutes to get to the airport in Saskatoon? Yes more waiting.

In the hospital, where I am doing my elective, I wait more still. I wait for the residents to get all the interesting patients with active problems, then I might get a patient to see. I wait and watch while the fellows do all the procedures. At half day, I take a 20 minute cab ride to get to the other site where the lectures are. I ask the nurses everyday if there are any IVs I can practice starting. So far I have had the chance to start one. I definitely notice more here than in smaller centers, that I really am the lowest rung on the ladder. "Oh you're still just a baby" one nurse sarcastically crooned at me while I was assessing a patient. Am I part of the team? Sort of--not a full fledged member anyways.

And to be honest, I find Ontario people for the most part (not all, but in general), more hoity-toity than maritimers or prairie people. They are afterall the sophistication center of the country.

I have however been very warmly received by John and especially Sally, who have gone out of their way to make sure I am looked after while I am staying at Augustine. They have been a blessing. But this is a function of the Christian community, which thanks be to God, can be found even in the booming metropolis of Ottawa.

But of this I know--if given the opportunity to live in a more modest city, I would choose that. While the larger cities have some exciting flare and pizzaz, in the end, the benefits of a smaller community, with people who me and I know them, and less time spent commuting and standing in lines, where I am a person not a number, is ultimately what will tip the scales for me. I think of all the time that is spent waiting in these bigger cities, and I think how precious is that time, that I could be doing something more meaningful than standing in a line, or labouriously travelling to and from my workplace.

my life the novella

I think medical school electives are like living in a "choose your own adventure" novel.

Today I went to church with Sally Patrick, and then had a lovely conversation afterwards with her for several hours.

Later in the afternoon I found myself kareening down the Ottawa bike paths on a borrowed hot pink road bike, and a old school helmet, on my way to find the hospital I need to report to tomorrow morning. And literally only yesterday I was in Halifax, smelling the salty ocean air, doing things like going on a sailboat, or touring a fortress. Definitely choose your own adventure. Although I think I will have pudenal nerve injury from this adventure when its over--it hurts to sit down tonight, and I was only biking for an hour!

I also bought fresh produce at the market, and walked around downtown. I really do love the market. So fresh, so fun, bustling, colorful, alive.

It going to be difficult to get any school reading done this week, with Augustine running a course with evening lectures this first week. Oh well. I will have three more weeks to read nephrology after that!

Home to Augustine: Ottawa Day 0

Today I arrived in our capital city, for the beginning of a four week stay. Even upon landing, the differences between Halifax and Ottawa become more strikingly apparent. It simply put is more metropolitan. The people are more urbanized as a rule--like wearing high heeled shoes to the grocery store urbanized. More arts, more museums, more en francais, more politics. I bought a Globe and Mail in the airport, and I was again reminded that the politicians they talk about, make their home in the city I will be living in for the next month.

As my cab, to the tune of a $28.00 fare, pulled up to Augustine College I was enveloped with a sense of familiarity. I spent a week here two summers ago, and not much has changed. It still is a magnificent two storey character home, with creeping ivy cloaking the exteriour, spacious rooms, hardwood floors, period appropriate furniture, noble bookcases brimming with volumes upon volumes of treasures. The living room has no television, but rather reading lights mounted to the wall behind every chair, a piano, and boardgames on the shelves. It is a room designed to nurture conversation, human interaction and enriching the mind. Almost as soon as I got here I found myself slipping into using vocabulary that has remained dormant for some time, as I here words like precocious, and austere used in everyday conversation with ease around me.

The air is thick and heavy, descending on the city like a wet blank today, as we were showered from above relentlessly. I apprecitated my access to automotive transportation at home as I walked several blocks with my cumbersome parcels from the grocery store. Yet as I sit in my room, with the windows open and the fan circulating the humidity, I am somewhat enchanted with this place. Being here amplifies my desire to read and to read endlessly. I want to devour the Word, and Lewis, and Kreeft, and Tolstoy, and Potok, and ... It seems that some places exhilarate my appetite for learning and betterment of my mind, whereas others only dampen it, and coax me to mental lethargy. I cannot yet pin-point what factors make this difference, but I know that when I have a home of my own, I want it to promote the former not the later!

Halifax Day 21

Today I leave this beautiful coastal city and I fly out to Ottawa. Ottawa has its own charm, but I will miss Halifax. I feel comfortable here. It is strange to pack up all my things and to see my empty room.

The number...

Today was my second last day in Halifax. I fly to Ottawa on Saturday.

I spent most of today marvelling over the fact that it was June 1. Every year when it all of a sudden is June, I am usually almost startled to realize June has arrived. Out of no where, its my birthday month, with less than two weeks until I have my birthday.

I must say, that since Eddie and I are together, my birthday doesnt have any 'sense of impending doom' attached to it. This year I turn 24. I still distinctly recall that when I was 18, and 19 years old, my family was saying --oh you are so young, dont even think about getting married for years! This was fine and dandy at that time, when I was still dating my 'high school sweetheart'. That of course as we all know ended in the beginning of my first year of university. Then almost the day I turned 20 it has been, 'so do you have a boyfriend?', 'when are you going to find someone?' etc. This went on for the better part of FOUR years! Oh granted, I was never really that old, and I was quite satisfied with my life, but for whatever reason, each year that ticked by, the number sounded larger and larger, like I was encroaching on old maid-dom. This of course was a silly cultural perspective, that didnt actually reflect reality. Funny though, now that Eddie and I are happily dating, the number 24 doesnt sound like a label, rather it sounds like just a number. Strange isnt it?

Halifax Day 14

Today marks my last Saturday in Halifax, as I fly out to Ottawa next Saturday. Jessi left early this morning, so my travelling buddy has left! I have a feeling this week will be much more low key. I went to the market to explore a little more this morning, and that was a lot of fun. I got some nice havarti, some fresh pitas and some very tasty hummus. I also checked out the handblown glass and crystal store on the harbour walk, but everything in there was over $100.00, so needless to say I never picked up anything! Then I got completely absorbed into a used book store on Barrington--I am not sure how long I was in there. I found a copy of Anna Karina, and two Chaim Potok novels, so I bought those three books, and I am actually very excited to read them. Although I plan on finishing Brothers Karamazov first, as I have been working on that for a while. That is the project for this week, as Jessi is gone- start running again, and finish some good novels.

The rest of the day has been spent working on a presentation that I have to give on Tuesday at Endocrinology clinical rounds. This is the "oh yah, I am still a student" reminder. My entire bed is covered with books, and I have spent most of the day reading journal articles. Yet, nerdy as this sounds, I much prefer reading journal articles when they are in attempts to answer a real clinical question. Yes I am a geek, sa la vie.

I was talking with one of Sharon and Cal's friends last night (they had company over), and we wer just talking about life, the things we enjoy, you know the sort of stuff you talk about with a person when you have just met them. At one point she remarked, "your life sounds so exciting!" This was an interesting persepective. To outsiders, the fact that I get to travel across the country on electives is famously exciting. Most days I dont feel like my life is exciting at all! Especially days like today when I am working, burried in medical literature all day. But on the whole I guess it is quite lively. Its more like short burst of excitement interspersed between large volumes of hard work. Most people probably have a very dramatacized, glamorous view of life in medicine, thanks to tv shows like Gray's Anatomy. I was thinking about this the other day, and about how if I really knew what medicine entailed before I started, I dont know if I would have done it. I would have thought the sacrifices were too great. But I also wouldnt have appreciated how rewarding it is, so on the whole I am glad I am here. God truly only does reveal to us what we need to know at the time.

Delicate voice

I have been reading non-medical books at an embarrassingly slow pace these days. Alack. However, I am nicely into Go In Peace by John Paul II, and it is rich with Truth and Wisdom. I decided to quote from what I read yesterday as I found it to be so well written.

"Truth cannot be disregarded in order to place the blame for an individual's sins on external factors such as structures, systems, or other people. Above all, this would be to deny the person's dignity and freedom, which are manifested --even though in a negative and disasterous way--in his responsibility for the sin committed. There is nothing so personal and nontransferable in each individual as merit for virtue or responsibility for sin. Like all things human, the conscience can fail and encounter illusions and errors. It is a delicate voice that can be overpowered by a noisy, distracted way of life, or almost suffocated by a long-lasting and serious habit of sin.

Conscience needs to be nurtured and educated, and the preferred way to form it--at least for those who have the grace of faith--is to relate it to the biblical revelation of the moral law, authoritatively interpreted with the help of the Church and the Holy Spirit."

Go In Peace, John Paul II


This is why it is so important for us to guard our lives, to ensure that we do not become so distracted that our conscience fails, falling into illusions and errors. The still small voice inside of us can so easily be lost in the chaotic noise. This is one of the primary reasons why for the past four years I have not had cable tv in my house---it too easily becomes a near constant source of background noise that gunks up my filter.

Halifax Day 9

Victoria Day in Nova Scotia!

We had an early start to the day, at the Citadel for its opening and we caught the first tour. They did a 21 gun salute at noon for Queen Victoria as it is Victoria Day and all today. Wow was it cold out today. The citadel was really interesting, it made me think that the two World Wars would have seemed much more tangible here in Halifax than at home as they were a major port to ship out troops. The system of defenses for the harbour are simply astounding. Did you know the Halifax harbour is the second deepest natural harbour in the world?





The view from atop the Citadel, overlooking the Harbour.










We also toured the Alexander Keith's Brewery
today. Established in 1820, it is the oldest working brewery in North America. The tour was really well done, with actors dressed as characters from 1863, taking us through the brewery and its courtyard and the old inn, singing and dancing for us too. They gave us beer samples at the end of the tour. The id-ed Jessi Matt and I! I totally thought they were joking but oh no, they seriously wanted to see our id! And I sampled my first mug of beer. They let us try the new Keiths Amber Red Ale. I actually didnt mind it, I could enjoy having a glass of it. I didnt finish it mind you, and I think at best all I could ever drink would be half a pint. Anyways it didnt have the nasty bitter taste that all other beers I have tasted have. Although I am not about to have a 'beer of choice', as red ale is only sold in the maritimes!


































And with Eddie in Edmonton, and I in Halifax, we video conference every night to stay in touch. Its not nearly as good as being in the same place, but it does make things a little easier.

Halifax Day 8

Another day out exploring in Halifax. Today's adventure included a sail on a real honest to goodness sailboat! How cool is that!


The boat we took while it was docked...















Practicing my pirate face











Jessi and I on deck....













The three muskateers










So I definitely do want to learn how to sail one day! It was so much fun being out on the water on the boat, no motors or engine noises, just the wind and the sea!



So Ottawa used to be my favorite Canadian city outside of Saskatchewan, but I think Halifax now has the edge over Ottawa. A charming, picturesque city, with a wealth of history, lots of parks and green spaces, fun exciting things to do, outdoor adventures at your doorstep, fresh seafood and the city is not monsterously large.

We went for supper on the wharf tonight, and the restaurant had live jazz music tonight! So great.

Halifax Day 7

Jessi, Matt and I spent the day touring around Halifax and the Nova Scotia coast. I will let the photos do most of the narrating...

Peggy's Cove











































The sea side town of Mahone Bay...













A scenic golf course we saw from across the cove at Lundenburg...









Ferry ride across the harbour to Dartmouth.






















Supper at MacAskills in the Darmouth Ferry terminal overlooking the harbour at sunset. Matt tackled a huge lobster and succeeded.













The harbour at night on the ferry ride back to Halifax...

Halifax Day 5

I had a good day today--other than the fact that I am still sick!

I received really positive feedback from the preceptor I was with today, in fact he told me I was fantastic! It was the first day where I have felt like there is hope for me and I will become a quality internist. Its so nice to get a 'gold star', when you know it is genuinely being given.

Then after work today, Jessi and Matt (Jessi's boyfriend who arrived in town today, he is here for the long weekend), and I went walking downtown, and out for supper. The only unfortunate thing is that it was SO FOGGY! We could barely see 3 meters infront of us, and it was also really icy cold too. Oh well, we had fabulously tasty fish and chips at Pineau's Cafe (thank you Kelly and Sarah for recommending it). A quaint little restaurant that looks like it was an old two storey house at one time, and had darling little tables, bright red walls, white trim, and flowers inside. And the best fish and chips I have ever tasted for $7.50! Such a good deal. We also walked to the Citadel, but the fort closes at 1700h everyday, so we will have to go back on the weekend.







Pineau's Cafe..

























Jessi and Matt on the Harbour Walk.










Here we are trying to find our way through the fog, with the Citadel in the background. The city is very erie when it is laden with dense fog!










Speaking of erie, there are graveyards every couple blocks downtown it seems! This is the graveyard I walk past every day to on my way to and from the hospital.

Halifax Day 4

Interesting day today. First off at the hospital I saw a case of Paget's Disease of the bone today. I have never seen that before! It was pretty interesting. Every case we see has very marked pathology, so I will have a good array of patient characactures in my head for the different diseases.

There are also tonnes of patients on insulin pumps for diabetes here, and I was speaking with the "pump trainer" today, and she says that there are only 20 pumps that are sold to Saskatchewan patients every year, and hundreds to Nova Scotia, and the populations are about the same size. I think this is partly because there are almost no endocrinologists in the province!

Jessi and I went for a walk down Barrington street tonight after supper. The town was much more lively today because there was no rain. Although, wow is it cold here! The crisp ocean winds cut right to the bone. I am wearing longsleeved shirts, a fleece and a wind-breaker and still chilled.

Anyways, we wound up at a Free Trade coffee shop for warm drinks, and sat down to relax. Just so happens that a poetry open mike started moments after we got there, so we stayed for the hour of poetry. There was actually a guy there by invitation from Vancouver so that was cool. The creative energy of the people we heard tonight amazed me. It is as though there was so much energy bubbling forth from them it was only their skin holding them in. So alive, so vibrant. On one hand it reminded me of how I feel as though my creative side has run dry, and on the other hand, if I am parched, it is refreshing to sit and bask in the vivid imaginations of others.

I am really enjoying the city. The biggest force pulling me back to the prairie is and will always be the people there, the family and friends with whom my soul is at ease, because those people are unique to Saskatchewan.

Halifax Day 3

I am settling into the Endocrinology department nicely here. Today I was doing follow-ups on consults that are in-patient, and saw one new consult. Every patient that we see is wickedly complicated with multiple endocrine pathologies, as well as long standing comorbidities. I think that it was a really good choice as I am learning LOTS, and well we have all of about two endocrinologists in Saskatchewan right now. I see at several complicated diabetics every single day, so I think I will likely achieve my objective of being more comfortable with diabetes managment before I go home.

There is definitely a difference between being a 'clinical clerk' and a JURSI. Here we cant sign any orders on our own, so it really doesnt feel like I am really contributing to patient care at all. We definitely have more responsibility at home. It really is a fine balance between enough responsibility and independence with enough teaching and senior support.

Then after supper Jessi and I went walking about the city. We explored the Harbour Walk along the waterfront which is rich with character. It was deary and rainy when we started, and proceeded to torrential downpour. The pier was very quiet, but full of shops, mueseums, boat tour wickets and lots of fun things to do. I think we will go back in better weather, and then I think it will be teeming with bustling activity. We then walked past the Citadel which was covered in dense fog, so we could not see it, and then on to Spring Garden Road (a larger version of Broadway Ave) and stopped at a gelato cafe for a treat. It was a lot of fun, but by the time I got home it was thundering and lightening, and I was sopping wet up to my waist, with several hundred mls of water in my shoes!

No pictures today as I wasnt going to take my camera out in the flood!

Halifax Day 1

Jessi is also here on elective so we spent the afternoon exploring downtown Halifax.




Public gardens in downtown Halifax...

























Faculty of Medicine building at Dalhousie University.








Beautiful houses in the charming downtown...













































Jessi and I at Pleasant Point Park...










Atlantic Ocean!




So tomorrow I start my first day at the hospital. I am a little nervous, but it will be ok. Its tempting to just go sight-seeing for three weeks, but I guess I will have to go do some learning while I am here too!

Halifax Day 0

Today I arrived in Halifax. Well after flying first to Calgary, then Calgary to Halifax. It definitely was a long plane ride!

My host graciously picked me up at the airport. Cal is an attending Hematopathologist, and Sharon is a PT. They then took me with them to a house warming party for a couple they work with. Really nice people, laid back. We spent the evening dining, playing foosball and singing kareokee. I have a nice big room to myself with internet access, and they have a lovely appartment blocks away from the hospital.

I arrived here at night, so I have yet to appreciate the city fully, but what I have seen so far is wonderful. Very picturesque, old character homes beautiful trees. I have yet to see the water, but I plan to go exploring tomorrow. Too bad it didnt take so long to get here from home. The people already are very welcoming and are making me feel right at home, and the city is not monstrously large, and its extremely charming.

This week is the last week Eddie and I will be together in the same city until basically November. Groan. We will have brief spots of time intermittently between now and then, but it will be a long expanse of time I think.

These past three weeks have been bitter sweet--I have realized even more reasons why I love this man, and how blessed I am that we are in relationship. Yet, now going away on electives is no longer just an adventure. It means being apart from someone dear to me. Sigh. But the sorrow of separation is worth the joy of relationship in the end.
More reasons Eddie is fabulous:
1) when we were at Jerry's for supper, and I suggested we should play a boardgame, his response was, "Lets make one up right here!" So he proceeded to make a modified chess game with the salt and pepper shakers, the glasses and other condiments. Of course this made me release peals of laugher.
2)He suggested the Chewbacca noises would be an appropriate ring tone for his calls to my phone.
3)He let me pick out the "Here without you" song by three doors down as the ring tone on his phone for my calls...its so cheesy but true, and yet he has it on his phone!
4)He bought me a pedicure at Ethos as a "just because I thought you would really enjoy it gift".
5) He is exceedingly patient with me even when I am irritable and irrational.

I could go on, but I wont. Basically I really appreciate him, and I will miss him a lot.