Halifax Day 7

Jessi, Matt and I spent the day touring around Halifax and the Nova Scotia coast. I will let the photos do most of the narrating...

Peggy's Cove











































The sea side town of Mahone Bay...













A scenic golf course we saw from across the cove at Lundenburg...









Ferry ride across the harbour to Dartmouth.






















Supper at MacAskills in the Darmouth Ferry terminal overlooking the harbour at sunset. Matt tackled a huge lobster and succeeded.













The harbour at night on the ferry ride back to Halifax...

Halifax Day 5

I had a good day today--other than the fact that I am still sick!

I received really positive feedback from the preceptor I was with today, in fact he told me I was fantastic! It was the first day where I have felt like there is hope for me and I will become a quality internist. Its so nice to get a 'gold star', when you know it is genuinely being given.

Then after work today, Jessi and Matt (Jessi's boyfriend who arrived in town today, he is here for the long weekend), and I went walking downtown, and out for supper. The only unfortunate thing is that it was SO FOGGY! We could barely see 3 meters infront of us, and it was also really icy cold too. Oh well, we had fabulously tasty fish and chips at Pineau's Cafe (thank you Kelly and Sarah for recommending it). A quaint little restaurant that looks like it was an old two storey house at one time, and had darling little tables, bright red walls, white trim, and flowers inside. And the best fish and chips I have ever tasted for $7.50! Such a good deal. We also walked to the Citadel, but the fort closes at 1700h everyday, so we will have to go back on the weekend.







Pineau's Cafe..

























Jessi and Matt on the Harbour Walk.










Here we are trying to find our way through the fog, with the Citadel in the background. The city is very erie when it is laden with dense fog!










Speaking of erie, there are graveyards every couple blocks downtown it seems! This is the graveyard I walk past every day to on my way to and from the hospital.

Halifax Day 4

Interesting day today. First off at the hospital I saw a case of Paget's Disease of the bone today. I have never seen that before! It was pretty interesting. Every case we see has very marked pathology, so I will have a good array of patient characactures in my head for the different diseases.

There are also tonnes of patients on insulin pumps for diabetes here, and I was speaking with the "pump trainer" today, and she says that there are only 20 pumps that are sold to Saskatchewan patients every year, and hundreds to Nova Scotia, and the populations are about the same size. I think this is partly because there are almost no endocrinologists in the province!

Jessi and I went for a walk down Barrington street tonight after supper. The town was much more lively today because there was no rain. Although, wow is it cold here! The crisp ocean winds cut right to the bone. I am wearing longsleeved shirts, a fleece and a wind-breaker and still chilled.

Anyways, we wound up at a Free Trade coffee shop for warm drinks, and sat down to relax. Just so happens that a poetry open mike started moments after we got there, so we stayed for the hour of poetry. There was actually a guy there by invitation from Vancouver so that was cool. The creative energy of the people we heard tonight amazed me. It is as though there was so much energy bubbling forth from them it was only their skin holding them in. So alive, so vibrant. On one hand it reminded me of how I feel as though my creative side has run dry, and on the other hand, if I am parched, it is refreshing to sit and bask in the vivid imaginations of others.

I am really enjoying the city. The biggest force pulling me back to the prairie is and will always be the people there, the family and friends with whom my soul is at ease, because those people are unique to Saskatchewan.

Halifax Day 3

I am settling into the Endocrinology department nicely here. Today I was doing follow-ups on consults that are in-patient, and saw one new consult. Every patient that we see is wickedly complicated with multiple endocrine pathologies, as well as long standing comorbidities. I think that it was a really good choice as I am learning LOTS, and well we have all of about two endocrinologists in Saskatchewan right now. I see at several complicated diabetics every single day, so I think I will likely achieve my objective of being more comfortable with diabetes managment before I go home.

There is definitely a difference between being a 'clinical clerk' and a JURSI. Here we cant sign any orders on our own, so it really doesnt feel like I am really contributing to patient care at all. We definitely have more responsibility at home. It really is a fine balance between enough responsibility and independence with enough teaching and senior support.

Then after supper Jessi and I went walking about the city. We explored the Harbour Walk along the waterfront which is rich with character. It was deary and rainy when we started, and proceeded to torrential downpour. The pier was very quiet, but full of shops, mueseums, boat tour wickets and lots of fun things to do. I think we will go back in better weather, and then I think it will be teeming with bustling activity. We then walked past the Citadel which was covered in dense fog, so we could not see it, and then on to Spring Garden Road (a larger version of Broadway Ave) and stopped at a gelato cafe for a treat. It was a lot of fun, but by the time I got home it was thundering and lightening, and I was sopping wet up to my waist, with several hundred mls of water in my shoes!

No pictures today as I wasnt going to take my camera out in the flood!

Halifax Day 1

Jessi is also here on elective so we spent the afternoon exploring downtown Halifax.




Public gardens in downtown Halifax...

























Faculty of Medicine building at Dalhousie University.








Beautiful houses in the charming downtown...













































Jessi and I at Pleasant Point Park...










Atlantic Ocean!




So tomorrow I start my first day at the hospital. I am a little nervous, but it will be ok. Its tempting to just go sight-seeing for three weeks, but I guess I will have to go do some learning while I am here too!

Halifax Day 0

Today I arrived in Halifax. Well after flying first to Calgary, then Calgary to Halifax. It definitely was a long plane ride!

My host graciously picked me up at the airport. Cal is an attending Hematopathologist, and Sharon is a PT. They then took me with them to a house warming party for a couple they work with. Really nice people, laid back. We spent the evening dining, playing foosball and singing kareokee. I have a nice big room to myself with internet access, and they have a lovely appartment blocks away from the hospital.

I arrived here at night, so I have yet to appreciate the city fully, but what I have seen so far is wonderful. Very picturesque, old character homes beautiful trees. I have yet to see the water, but I plan to go exploring tomorrow. Too bad it didnt take so long to get here from home. The people already are very welcoming and are making me feel right at home, and the city is not monstrously large, and its extremely charming.

This week is the last week Eddie and I will be together in the same city until basically November. Groan. We will have brief spots of time intermittently between now and then, but it will be a long expanse of time I think.

These past three weeks have been bitter sweet--I have realized even more reasons why I love this man, and how blessed I am that we are in relationship. Yet, now going away on electives is no longer just an adventure. It means being apart from someone dear to me. Sigh. But the sorrow of separation is worth the joy of relationship in the end.
More reasons Eddie is fabulous:
1) when we were at Jerry's for supper, and I suggested we should play a boardgame, his response was, "Lets make one up right here!" So he proceeded to make a modified chess game with the salt and pepper shakers, the glasses and other condiments. Of course this made me release peals of laugher.
2)He suggested the Chewbacca noises would be an appropriate ring tone for his calls to my phone.
3)He let me pick out the "Here without you" song by three doors down as the ring tone on his phone for my calls...its so cheesy but true, and yet he has it on his phone!
4)He bought me a pedicure at Ethos as a "just because I thought you would really enjoy it gift".
5) He is exceedingly patient with me even when I am irritable and irrational.

I could go on, but I wont. Basically I really appreciate him, and I will miss him a lot.

"What we need to foster, in ourselves and in others, is a contemplative outlook. Such an outlook arises from faith in the God of life, who has created every individual as a wonder. It is the outlook of those whos ee life in its deeper meaning, who grasp its gratuitousness, its beauty, and its invitation to freedom and responsibility. It is the outlook of those who do not presume to take possesion of reality, but instead accept it as a gift, discovering in all things the reflection of the Creator and seeing in every person their own living image. "
~ Pope John Paul II

I havent had much time for contemplating these past few weeks--or I havent made or set aside time, however you decide to look at it. Either way, as I started to read Go in Peace by the late Pope this weekend, I found the first few pages refreshing to my soul. Most days I feel as though my brain is stretched taut, and there is no more room to give. The weekend comes and relieves some of the tension, but by monday my brain will go back on the stretching rack. I need to develop more discipline in setting aside my time for contemplating and for studying (separate times), even when I am exhausted. In the long run avoiding the things I should do only makes everything worse later on!

change is in the wind...

My time in Saskatoon is rapidly coming to a close! Just one more week here in the Toon Town.
I start my electives after that--Halifax is my first destination. I am a little bit nervous, especially about how I will get around in these other citys sans auto. But countless students before me have done it, and I will do it too.

Honestly though, I feel as though I am atrophying in everyother area of my life some days. I have almost nothing to talk about other than medicine--how boring is that? Sigh. The perpetual strive for balance sometimes takes a back seat as I try to keep my nose above water. So I appologize to my friends and family for my lack of conversational ability this last little while. And I really appreciate the people who have made extra efforts to get me outside of my med bubble these past few weeks.

not much to report

This week I am on General Internal Medicine at City Hospital. I really enjoy it. But I have nothing much to report! I go to the hospital, then I come home and do it over the next day. I think residency will be very busy, and I hope that I am able to retain my other interests while I get further into this 'training to be a doctor' business.

Eddie and I went to a swanky benefit dinner and silent auction for the Children's Health and Hospital Foundation on the weekend. Eddie was given the tickets by the Pediatrics department, so we got to go for a fancy dinner for free. It was a lot of fun, and we got to just hang out with the peds residents afterward and see them interact in a non-hospital setting. Eddie is totally 'in' with the peds dept. All the attendings who were there were trying to convince him to do pediatrics! I was really proud of him; he has made a very good impression on docs, and he will be an excellent pediatrician.

Other than that, just going to work, and trying to learn about internal medicine. I really like internal patients, and when I think that I am not even half finished my training, I am re-assured that I will eventually learn what I need to know to be a good doc.

Celebrating

So the group of us Saskatchewan girls threw a bridal shower for the lovely BC born Erin, just before she flies home to marry our very own Saskatchewan boy Tim E this summer. To our good fortune they will be making Saskatchewan their home after this summer!





We played a game where all the guests brought some of their own sleepware, and Erin had to figure out who sleeps in what. She was quite perplexed to as she tried to guess who sleeps in a tiny pink fuzzy thing!












As is custom, we 'showered' the bride with gifts...





And as is also custom, some of the gifts made her the 'blushing bride'!









And these are the gorgeous Gerbers and lilies that Eddie gave me to celebrate my arrival to Saskatoon, and getting to spend four weeks together in toon town. They filled Tin's appartment with their heavenly fragrance for over a week.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

Last week was somewhat overwhelming for me in many respects. However, as always, in the place of feeling pressed on all sides, God revealed Himself yet again, and the Holy Spirit shed some light on a few things for me:

1) I am not nearing the end of the woods in terms of knowledge of medicine. This past week I think I only started to realize how deep the forest really is, and how far I have yet to go. But its just like every other time that I have encountered a new learning curve--it is intimidating at first, and seems insurmountable, but as I set back, and decide to go one day at a time, I eventually learn to function at that next level; although it takes a lot of steep uphill climbing to get there. The last time I can recall this sort of scenario was the year I started medical school. I really shouldnt be surprised that it would get harder again! But He will see me through. It is a humbling thing to be reminded that on my OWN, I CANT do it. Through HIM I can. This is a seemingly subtle, but oh so key distinction.

2) Christ is my Savior--not any of the things He blesses me with. Those are His to give and take away. I am not saved or 'held together' by the ways He blesses me. Those are Graces He has afforded me. Its the old addage "God is more concerned with your character than with your comfort". I have been frequently uncomfortable these past few months. God is stretching me. It is unpleasant a lot of the time, sometimes down right painful. But there is also a lot of joy He has brought me too.

3) Do I trust Him? He has been faithful in all things, working out the details of my life with exacting precision, in ways beyond anything I could ask or imagine. He has brought me this far, He will not leave me here. He will see me through. I will reach the other side.

Funny, none of these things are truly 'new' realizations, but like all important lessons in life, they are often repeated.

A day in the Life

Wow. Saskatoon JURSI is a different flavor than Regina.

First of all, the attending I am with this week knows EVERYTHING about everything. Seriously. She is an Infectious Disease specialist, ran hospitals in Africa for years, knows everything about almost all specialities. She's brilliant. So naturally, my own lack of knowledge becomes painfully obvious when viewed in that light.

Second, we actually do real rounds here--I see my patients on my own in the morning, then in the afternoon the team rounds -- the attending, two residents, two JURSIs, a pharmacist and a pharmacy student. And thus on rounds the grilling of JURSIs happens. Quizzed and questioned, having to say all to often, "I dont know". This is a STRONG motivator to go home and study.

Third--its exhausting tromping around feeling as though you are incompetent ALL day. I think its that chronic feeling of "man I dont know ANYTHING, I have GOT to study more" that is really exhausting. Its not the physical walking around all day. Its mental exhaustion.

Fourth I realize I am going to be exhausted everyday for the next five to six years.

But even with all that--its still fun. Go figure.

He Is Risen

He Is Risen Indeed.

Today is the day that Christians celebrate the Resurrection--the empty tomb. Our Jesus not only died on the Cross, but three days later He Rose again. Praise be to God!

It amazes me, but doesnt really surprise me, that the rest of our society thinks that this holiday is only about eggs and bunnies. Its sad really, how the real meaning of this celebration has been lost in a heap of chocolate. Why do we endorse the comercialization of our sacred Holy Days?

But that said, there is a remnant of the faithful--to whom today is a profoundly joyous day. The day that changed all of human history forever, is celebrated around the world by those who acknowledge Him as Lord and Saviour.

Happy Easter!

Welcome Back

I arrived in Saskatoon on Thursday, and my soul feels so much more at ease. Back into the place where I am surrounded with the familiar, and with the people whom I love to spend my time with. Already phone calls with Heather, Camille, Erin making plans to visit--delightful. Oh, Regina is an adventure alright--but so is JURSI by itself. It will be very nice to have four weeks in a familar place before I take off all over for electives. And nice to be in the same city as Eddie--even if his parents have a cat!

Grim Reaper

"Medicine is by definition a moral activity" ~ John Patrick

I had my first death of a patient this week. I wasnt actually in the room when he died, but all the same, the experience has affected me. These are the things they do not teach you in medical school--what to do when you are there as a family is being told their loved one is now terminally ill, with days or even only hours to live. Watching a wife and 12 year old son as they cry, overcome with grief, at losing their husband and father. How to discuss the "CT films with good teaching points"---while the family is meters away in another room, and the patient lies at death's door a few meters in the other direction. Seeing streams of relatives, brothers, sisters, tiny young nephews come in to say their final goodbyes. What to do as your insides become liquid, your heart pounds in your ears, your eyes sting with tears, and you feel like you cant breathe.

How to remain "professional" and still be human?

Even with our best medicines, we cant save everybody--it is one thing to cognitively know this, another to experience it. As I read about the condition that was the cause of death for my patient today, the 25% mortality rate was more than just a number. 1 in 4. And the worst part is, for this patient--it was devastating misfortune. He had absolutely no risk factors for the disease that was his demise, the doctors still dont know why he got it--and he went from normal and healthy, to a few minor symptoms in a month, then minor symptoms to dead in less than a week.

I can see how without Jesus many doctors loose their hope.

Digital Camera back in full force

So my digital camera that I thought became a very expensive rattle last semester is now working again (miraculously I do believe), and Eddie had graciously given me a cable to hook up to my IBook (I had thrown out the cable in the move because I thought I didnt need it anymore!). So anyhoo, my blog will be much more picturesque again. Yay!

So here are some pictures from JURSI night out in Regina, sponsored by the RQHR. Definitely the being thrown into hostile living conditions has caused the group of us to bond, cling to one another if you will, especially since most of us dont know other people here, nor do we have the time to cultivate extra-medical relationships. So the tighter knit we become...















Mark-o finally lets me get a photo with him..












Ray, charming as always...












The lovely Janelle is home from electives finally!










And free food always tastes better than what the poor student budget can buy... and yes that is Myles, trying to pose as a Regina JURSI while here on elective.







And even Schweitz made it out! Can you believe it!


And while I am photo documenting, Eddie came to PA with me this weekend to visit the fam.







Bald is irresistable!








And, one more funny story to close out the post... we got to Saskatoon for me to drop Eddie off (he is doing Peds there for six weeks, and I am still in Regina for four more days, I digress). Anyways, his mom came out to visit with us when we got there. First thing she says to me,
"I am SO HAPPY you guys are dating!!! I told Eddie, 'good choice'!" No joking! She was literally gushing over the fact that I was dating her son. I was a little embarassed, but I guess I dont have to wonder whether or not she approves of me!

Photo Update

A brief sampling of some of the highlights of the last month or so....work hard play hard!

Our brief day trip to BC took us to the lovely Radium Hot Springs...




















On the hill at Lake Louise




















On the Lake behind Chateau Lake Louise...









Brittney and I lounge for a night at the Temple Gardens Spa in Moose Jaw to celebrate her 19th Birthday...the celebration is a few months belated.







JURSIs get a night off to go out for grub! Look mom, no scrubs!








Being silly....










My lovely orchids...

23 y/o female; Day 2 in ICU

Today was great. I was incharge of two patients in the ICU, followed up their progress, and then presented them to the Intensivist at rounds. One patient with COPD, and one patient with--wait for it--methanol poisoning with concurrent ethanol intoxication requiring dialysis! I was calculating Anion Gaps, Osmolar Gaps, looking up methanol toxicity levels....so great! Honestly, its like doing puzzles all day.

I didnt mind psych, it was even fun at times, but I think its an adaptive mechanism, to start to enjoy what you are doing if you have to do it for a long time--that is of course if you dont absolutely despise it. And its easier to convince yourself that you enjoy something, when its been a long time since you have been able to do the thing your really enjoy best; then you forget how good something actually is. Like a cup of coffee on Easter Sunday after having given up coffee for Lent. And likely Psych seemed quite good because it was following Obs and Gyne!

Romance in Medicine

Today Eddie left for Saskatoon--he is doing his six weeks of pediatrics there, then we both take off for electives, rural family med, CTU in Saskatoon etc. So with our two JURSI schedules, between now and Christmas time (45 weeks) we will be spending all of eleven weeks in the same city. Somewhere between the combined itinerary of Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Saskatoon, Prince Albert, Moose Jaw, Ottawa, Halifax, and St. Johns (NFLD), we will see each other for those few 11 weeks! And lets not forget that we have two 1 in 4 call schedules to deal with, so even when we are in the same city its remarkable when either of us is not on call or post call, that is where we both have the night off and actually slept the night before!

This weekend was a 'free' weekend--I have finished one rotation, and have not started the next one, thus no pressure to be studying etc, just two glorious days where I could NOT feel behind. There were moments today, when we were just hanging out, the quiet moments of sharing a meal together, going to church together, or even just watching a movie together ---in these moments, the thought of just quitting school and being a normal person who worked a normal 8-5 job, who sees the people they care about on a daily basis---these thoughts crossed my mind. I wonder--is the sacrifice of travelling all over the country, being on call 1 in 4, sleeping little and working lots, spending months at a time away from my family, friends and now my boyfriend, is this sacrifice worth it?

I think it is. There is a cost, a price to pay, and it wont be easy; it isnt easy. But I think about the alternative, and I know that while the alternative to medicine would be gratifying for a while, but quickly thereafter I would get bored. Medicine is where I belong, it is what God has placed on my heart as where I am to focus many of my gifts, hence it is where I am fulfilled. Medicine and life are not an easy combination. Medicine and romance are even more difficult. Medicine x 2 and romance--challenging. But honestly, in the end I know it will be worth the effort. At the end of this crazy year and a half both Eddie and I will be trained in careers we both really enjoy and love, and eventually (after residency), we will regain some autonomy for our own schedules, and we will be able to enjoy both our professional and our personal lives.

Besides, its through God's use of medicine that I got to go to Africa right? Who knows how many more opportunities will come my way through this avenue of the medical profession?

Just Because

Today Eddie made me supper, a lovely meal of two different curry dishes. Mmmm tasty.

And he got me a gorgeous stem of orchids. Just because. Sublime. I just love orchids.

Yes I am very blessed.

Resisting Resentment

"if we believe suffering is the touch of God's grace, we will avoid resentment, arrogance, and above all pride, the primal and satanic sin. When we suffer, our natural instinct is to resent and resist. This implies a claim to perfect happiness: how dare this suffering intrude on my self-sufficiency and control?...
...an attitude of humility and gratitude in suffering brings deep joy, while an attitude of pride and ingratitude, even without suffering, brings joylessness. Proud people are simply not happy."
~ Making Sense Out of Suffering, Peter Kreeft

I read this the other day, and that line about our natural instinct is to resent, hit me square between the eyes. I resent being in Regina. I do not like the city itself. Oh, there are worse places to be, but there are definitely better places to be. I have found an attitude of resentment creeping into my outlook on life, and have found it to really be zapping my joy. I dont really know how to be joyful about Regina--Lord teach me how. If I dont figure that out, it is going to be a long long road until next May. How do you have joy when you would rather be somewhere else? Even if I convince myself Regina is OK, I know there is better, and I will still likely be counting down the days until I leave. Really I am at a loss here, as to how to NOT be living the time in Regina as 'doing time'. I need a touch of Grace.

What are you, then, my God?

"What are you, then, my God? What are you, I ask, but the Lord God? For who else is lord except the Lord, or who is god if not our God? You are most high, excellent, most powerful, omnipotent, supremely merciful and supremely just, most hidden yet intimately present, infinitely beautiful, and infinitely strong, steadfast yet elusive, unchanging yourself though you control the change in all things, never new, never old, renewing all things yet wearing down the proud though they know it not; ever active, ever at rest, guarding, creating and nurturing and perfecting, seeking although secure, you regret without sadness, you grow angry yet remain tranquil, you alter your works but never your plan; you take back what you find although you never lost it, you are never in need yet you regjoice in your gains... After saying all that, what have we said, my God, my life, my holy sweetness? What does anyone who speaks of you really say? Yet woe betide those who fail to speak, while the chatterboxes go on saying nothing."
~ Confessions, St Augustine.

May I not be one of those chatterboxes who talks much without saying anything. The first book of Confessions is written with an intensity and passion that inspires me to know my God more intimately, and to seek him more ferverently. And I am reminded of the importance of taking the time to read such things that strengthen my soul, rather than always and only books that strengthen the academic part of my mind.

Mozart

Tonight Eddie took me to the Symphony---they are having a Mozart Festival. First we made supper at his appartment, then got all decked out, and went to the concert.

It was amazing. We were in the fourth row from the orchestra, and there was a guest pianist there--we could see all of her facial expressions, her dramatic arm movements, the way she swayed with the music. I have never seen a musician become so completely enthralled with the music.

Sitting listening to the melodies and harmonies that delicately weave together, the enchanting sound filling the air--all of the things that happened during my week melted--faded from memory for that space of time. And I thought to myself--there will be the most beautiful music in Heaven.

In Saskatoon

Okay, all you loyal blog readers, my Saskatoon long lost friends...

I am in Saskatoon from April 17-28 for a two week rotation at RUH.

I know--its BIG NEWS! Mark it on your calendars--I expect you all to be calling me while I am in town!

Okay enough sass. I really am looking forward to that block of time, and I hope to catch up with a lot of you while I am there.

Miss you all!

Mountains Part II

I went to the mountains again this weekend---yes thats right again! Another fabulous weekend away from the Queen city. It is surprising how four days off felt like so much longer than four days.

This time I flew out to Calgary, where Eddie picked me up at the airport. He drove out earlier in the week and was visiting some of his buddies that he has been friends with for about twenty years (yes, since he was five years old). Eddie stayed with Chad, and I stayed at Uncle Jim and Auntie Marcella's---we were worried they might live on opposite ends of the city, but it was only about a ten minute drive away.

Thursday, after I arrived, Eddie and I hopped into the Civic, and off we drove to Radium Hot Springs. Kind of funny, because I travelled in three provinces in one day (Radium is in BC). It was so much fun. The drive to Radium is a beautiful windy mountain road, with the picturesque back drop of the towering Rockies. After soaking in the steamy mineral water with about twenty other people, we drove back to Banff.

Back in Banff, we found a delightful little mexican restuarant --the Magpie and Stump. After which we tested out the Banff Hot Springs--thats right, we spent the day hotspring hopping. It was grand. Radium has more chararcter---its more rustic.

Friday was consumed by snowboarding at Lake Louise. Poor Eddie had not boarded before, so he was quite sore the next day. We had fun laughing at each other that day. Then in the evening we went to Eddie's friends house to play cards and boardgames. It was great to get to meet his gang.

Saturday was a day for family. Auntie Marcella had supper for us, and then about twenty rel-ies came over to visit with the long lost Saskatchewan cousin and her boyfriend. I think I am from the Kucharski stock though---they are into travelling, hosting family gatherings, big families, sports---I felt right at home. They teased Eddie pretty good, but he was of course ridiculously good natured about the whole thing.

And Sunday we drove home. Man is that a LONG drive! It was good though.

Pictures will follow!

Mountains

I just got back today from an amazing four days in the mountains. Wow do I love the outdoors and God's spectacular Creation.

Arleen, my outdoor adventure superstar friend, and I packed into my little sunfire on Thursday, and made the nine hour trek to Canmore, a small little town just outside of Banff National Park. We were slowed up slightly by a nasty winter storm between Medicine Hat and Calgary, which had us travelling at 50kph, but we made it.

The first stop however was at MEC, which for some strange reason only exists online in Saskatchewan. I LOVE that store! I was able to finally pick up a respectable sleeping bag for a person who like the 'back-country', a therma-rest (which was on sale for less than half price :) , my first dry bag (a sack for packing gear in, so that if your canoe tips, your stuff stays dry), and a fleece.

After MEC, we made it to our little hotel in Canmore. We actually got a super good deal on accomodations and lift tickets, so that was great. We spent two days on the mountain at Lake Louise, which is definitely worth the drive. The weather was perfect--sunny, warm but not too warm, lots of base snow. Amazing. The second day we tried the back side of the mountain, which is simply breath-taking, as you cant see the parking lot or any of the other man made stuff, and you are just on the mountain. SOOO GREAT!

And how stoked am I that I have another long weekend booked for next weekend? Extremely. Three more days of pediatric psych and then back to the mountains. You see, I realized that with all the silly rules around when JURSIs are allowed to take holidays, if I dont take some days off in Psych, I wont be able to take all my holidays, for two more days off I go!

Reason #16 Why I Wont Do Pediatrics

I am currently doing a two week block in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

I like the patients--lots of adolescents, they are neat kids, with more issues than the average kid, but neat kids nonetheless.

Its the parents that are responsible for them that I cannot tolerate.

Let me say that I know that there are a lot of wonderful parents in the world--two of them are mine, I know many others and I plan to meet even more of them. But there are some really BAD parents too, unfortunately.

I have seen so many kids that come from really messed up homes and they are just caught in the middle of adults who dont know how to be adults well.

I saw a kid today who has some issues with authority, some behavioral issues, some substance use issues, some anger management issues--he's got some things to work on. Granted. But he is living at home with his mom and step-dad, the step-dad who threatens to leave the mom if she doesnt choose him over her son. It make my insides crawl to think of men seeing women's children as their enemies, and it makes me shudder at the chaos that results when the Natural Law is broken. This kid's mom called the RCMP to bring him in to the ER on a warrant for a mental health assessment because he mentioned a few weeks ago that he would rather be dead. I have seen suicidal people. This kid was NOT suicidal. The catch to this story is that the mom and step-dad are leaving the country tomorrow on vacation, and they wanted the kid to be admitted to the psych ward while they were away. I was SO frusterated I was ready to lose it, but I didnt. What a total lack of parental coping skills, AND completely irresponsible use of services.

Its absolutely unbelievable how many parents call the police to deal with their kids that are 12, 13, 14 etc, when they are getting out of hand at home. I already cant believe how many times I have heard, "I had to call the police", and then they tell you about the incident, and I am sitting there thinking, 'you need to quit being afraid of your kid, and start showing them some tough love---your kids dont need you to be a buddy, they need boundaries'.

Give me kidney failure to manage any day.

Unexpected

My life has taken an unexpected turn this week---unexpected but good.

God never ceases to surprise me with the opportunities he has me walk into, the ones that I do not see until I have run smack into them. But after I have recovered my composure, and my head has quit spinning, I can see that this new adventure will be a good one, and that He has blessed me with unexpected blessings.

One of my closest friendships has grown into something more. Still is a bit surreal, but only because it is so out of the blue, and was NEVER forseen by myself, hence I do feel like I got hit with a 2x4---sort of a 'where the heck did that come from?!?'. As far as everything else goes, its very real, genuine and concrete, not shrouded in mystery or trying to guess what the other is thinking, and I am not nerved up, apprehensive, or anxious about the whole thing, I am just very calm, at peace, happy and feeling very blessed.

Ash Wednesday

Today was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent---the forty days of fasting in the Christian tradition that are to prepare for the celebration of Jesus' death and resurrection, otherwise known as Easter.

Interestingly enough, the two Catholic boys that I have come to know and love, were both working the night/graveyard shift at the hospital, so Ray and I, the 'protestants' (although I think this title is becoming less representative of the real story), anyways, we the 'protestants' trotted off to Ash Wednesday Mass at St Martin's parish in Regina.

I have to say, that I have really come to appreciate Catholic mass. This one today in particular was really something to think about. The emphasis was on turning from sins and living a life that is faithful to the Gospel. They also were welcoming new Catholics to join them in Lent, and then they will be officially joined with the Church at Easter. The priest prayed for the new members, and the first two things they prayed for the newbies were: that they have a fruitful daily prayer life, and that they read the Word daily and meditate on it. In that same hour, we were instructed on the importance of fasting, why its done, how it shouldnt be done etc. There was reading of scripture, singing of hymns, communion, and distribution of the Ashes. The funny thing was, the content of the messages told sounded like they could have been preached at any of the other churches I have attended---but in addition to that, in one hour they touched on all of the cardinal elements of the Christian Faith. I think I have to say that coming out of a Catholic mass I always have encountered a more holistic view of the Christian faith than when I come out of a protestant service.

I have given up coffee and junk food (this means sweets--cookies etc, and deep fried stuff). I figured coffee would be the thing that would be a daily sacrifice, and its the closest thing I have to a daily vice (dont get me wrong, I have vices, just that most of them arent daily problems). I toyed with giving up other things, but most everything else I would have given up would have been either quite easy to give up, or not something that would daily remind me that I am to re-focus my thoughts and my life on the Cross.

Funny story of the week

I had a 73 year old patient yesterday, and he told me, "You're a doll...you know, if I was 20 years younger, I'd sweep you off your feet." To which I thought---not likely, because at 53 you'd still be older than my DAD! But I had to grin, because it was kind of cute. The same patient went on to tell me, "I am putting together a show to raise money for the Para-Olympics, and I'll teach you a sexy hip-hop dance so you can be in my show!" Right. What do you say to that, so as to not burst out laughing right there? I just smiled, thanked him and went on my way.

Psych

Psychiatry is keeping me busy, but its a different sort of busy. I still havent mastered being in more than one place at a time---really must figure that out before becoming a resident. My preceptor is giving me lots of assignments---read about this tonight, assess this patient sometime between morning rounds (which take all morning), noon teaching rounds, and afternoon clinic time, and I am busy preparing to present at journal club next wednesday. Have I mentioned I have never even BEEN to a journal club before, let alone do one before, so I really dont know what is expected of me. So I spent two and a half hours this evening reading papers, researching the background info on the internet etc, followed by a chunk of time devoted to reading about benzo withdrawal. I cant complain really though, because I am learning. I just sometimes forget how tiring it is to be on the very steep part of the learning curve---welcome to the next 16 months of my life!

The trouble with psych though, is if I am not the one doing the interview with the patient, in the office that is a thousand degrees, it can very quickly become me being very drowsy, as I sit motionless for hours at a time, observing someone else conduct the interview. Man I hope I get to do more of the interviewing as the weeks go on, or I am going to be fighting the sandman every single afternoon in clinic.

Other than that, life is good, and largely uneventful. Tin is staying with me while she christens her first elective block doing O&G in Regina. I think she's crazy for wanting to do O&G for a living, but different strokes for different folks. Its enjoyable to have her here in my appartment, it makes the days go by more quickly. We had a little dinner party one night this week, and wound up feeding a total of five hungry JURSIs. Grand fun.

Rotation #2

This week marks the beginning of my second rotation: Psychiatry. In doing so I have realized the following:

1) I actually passed O&G relatively unscathed, and I obviously didnt really tick anybody off. Phew.
2) I am so excited to NOT go to the OR! I am in a humane rotation where I get to where nice clothes everyday, round at 8:30 in the morning, go home by 4:30 or 5 at the latest, we see about one patient per half hour, and when I am on call I can sleep in my own bed! (Psychiatry and Family Med are the only two services where you dont have to stay overnight at the hospital when you are on call).
3)Psychiatrists are inherantly nice people.
4) I like having a preceptor who wants to teach me things.

Yay for not being on O&G!

Lively tales

It just wouldnt really be my life if crazy stories didnt happen.

Ray and I were over at Eddie and Mark's appartment studying on Thursday evening, as we both had our Obstetrics and Gynecology exam the next day. We were diligently going through the material, when a loud, piercing alarm went off---yes the fire alarm. The other lovely pieces of the story: it was -40 degrees outside that night, and we were on the sixteenth floor. ARG. We waited for a few minutes to see if it was a false alarm, but then decided we'd rather not risk dying of smoke inhalation on the 16th floor, so we gathered up our textbooks and coats and tromped down the 16 flights of stairs to the lobby. Its scary how few people actually left their appartments--had there been a real fire it would have been very bad news. So there we waited in the lobby for half an hour until the alarm turned off. The good news is I still managed to pass my exam the next day!


The other humorous tale of the week is from this weekend. I went home for my sister's 19th birthday, and going home is always an adventure. We had the usual crew over for supper---grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, close family friends, etc. Well it turns out that my aunt convinced my uncle to dye his hair a few weeks ago, and when my other 'uncle' saw this, he decided to get his hair dyed. So we went out, bought a box of hair dye, and he got his hair dyed in my parents kitchen! It was SO FUNNY! Mostly because this uncle is a total man's man, and NOBODY ever expected him to color his gray hair---his daughters had been trying to convince him for years to no avail. Then at the drop of a hat, on a whim, in our kitchen, he gets his hair dyed. Hilarious. And it turned out really well, didnt look fake, very believable, and it took 10 years off his appearance. Definitely made for a lively evening!

A wall plaque hanging in the Women's Clinic at the Regina General Hospital:

"We believe what we want to believe".


That about sums it up doesnt it.

Lessons from a children's story

" Real isnt how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "Its a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you dont mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
" It doesnt happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesnt often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things dont matter at all, because you are Real you cant be ugly, except to people who dont understand."
~The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams.

Living to the Full

Here are a few highlights from my few days off in January/February in the Queen city....

Tim and Erin hosted the Regina CMDS contingent for supper and Bible Study at Tim's mom's house. I am so at home with this crew, even in a city that is foreign to me.








My real-life version of Seinfeld, minus all the sexually charged humor of course....









Science Center Adventures with Camille, Eddie and I....SO MUCH FUN!!! Watch out for the sharks...they are deadly.










Camille is totally Bubbalicious....










Vancouver 2010 here we come!





What Saskatchewan girl doesnt swoon over hockey players?







Perogie making night with the girls from Hillsdale Baptist---good times, going back to the Ukrainian roots....







Erin and I---what a doll. Love this girl SO MUCH!!!

Unwelcome Messanger

I had to tell a woman that she had lost her baby tonight. It was my first time having to give really bad news. There is no good way to do that--but I suppose there are a multitude of BAD ways to do that. The gravity of the moment hit me very suddenly, almost as though it had snuck up on me, as I realized I wasnt just working up her vaginal hemorrhage, and that we had to take her to the OR to save her life, but that I also had to tell her she had lost her baby. I felt like utter crap as I left that room, having broken the bad news, and that is an understatement. I know that me telling her didnt cause the situation, I was just having to inform her what the situation really was. Ugly situation. The good news out of the situation is that we did operate, and we did save her life so that she didnt bleed to death, and we did transfuse her blood so she didnt get worse.

These are the moments when the raw humanity of medicine is blatant and in my face, refusing to be ignored.

Weekend Whirlwind

Its amazing how a visit to the place that feels the most like my adulthood home, seemed to be a swirling whirlwind. It simply was not possible to visit everyone I wanted to see--there were not enough usable hours in the weekend. To everyone I didnt get a chance to see, I am very sorry, please know it was not for lack of desire to be in your company.

That said, I did enjoy myself tremendously. I stayed at Kelly and Sarah's--and after everytime I visit them, I leave with my soul refreshed, and not surprisingly, this time was no different. The boys clamoured all over me in greeting and play, Charis cooed and smiled and was delightful, Sarah was hilarious and also encouraging, Kelly dazzled us all with his wit, and the three of us engaged in a series of thought provoking discussions around issues we have all been considering. They also hosted having some of my favorite Kadesh-ites over for visiting, and we all roared with laughter on Saturday evening, rejoicing in fellowship, and sharing each other's stories that we had been sorely out of date on.

The OSCE (a practical clinical exam, although I use the word practical loosely), on Saturday was an event. I learned somethings, but that was really superfluous. It was wonderful to see the faces of my classmates that we have left behind in Saskatoon. Seeing them is more familiar, more comfortable than almost anything else in the world. I know their faces almost better than I know my own, as they are who I have seen every single day as I looked outward on the world for the past two and a half years. It is a comraderie that runs deep within our class, and I hope that even if this fades with time that it never dies.

I received another injection of wisdom paired with encouragement from the Terry and Sheila this weekend, who graciously found time to spend with this tired, weary medical student. I said to them, "I dont know why, but I am just so tired lately," to which Terry replied, "You know why, and get used to it, this is what the next ten years of your life are going to be like! It will get better when you have children". He was serious and teasing me, all at the same time, as per usual, and as always, they gave me sage advice on several issues that I am wrestling with.

The other great part of the weekend was the potluck hosted by the lovely Camille. What a girl. Addicted to fun she is. Camille also spent Wednesday and Thursday night with me in Regina, and wow did we have adventures. A little incident with my outside door on Wednesday night, that precipitated Camille having to stay in the call rooms at the hospital with me that night as I was on call, along with returning to my house the next day to find my door knob removed. Yah, just a day in the life of mine, but Camille got the joy of experiencing my stranger that fiction life first hand. We also went to a girls only perogie making night at the Young Adults pastors house here in Regina while she was here. Grand fun. Let me also give an official thank-you to Camille who filled my fridge and freezer with homemade food that she whipped up while I was at work on Friday. What a woman of Grace who knows how to bless people. And so of course, the potluck at her place in Saskatoon on Sunday was fantastic. Sadly I had to leave earlier than I would have liked, but again this is life.

What is this thing called love?

I thought this was really great...

enjoy, ponder, reflect--and love.

What is this thing called love?

Jan 31, 2006
by Maggie Gallagher

...there's the experience of being on the receiving end: "I saw you there, one wonderful day. You took my heart and threw it away. That's why I ask the Lord in heaven above, what is this thing called love?" Sing it, Cole.

I knew Pope Benedict was a brilliant intellect, a German academic theologian of some note. But nobody told me the man has the soul of a poet. This pope writes of our longing for the "apparently irresistible promise of happiness" glimpsed in the love "between man and woman which is neither planned nor willed, but somehow imposes itself upon human beings."

"All other kinds of love," Pope Benedict acknowledges, "immediately seem to fade in comparison."

How can we trust ourselves to love? How can love ever be commanded (as Jesus commands us) or even promised (as we all do in marriage)?

The classic Catholic answer is to say that love is an act of the will. We can choose to act in loving, faithful and benevolent ways even if we do not particularly feel like it. In this sense, love can be both commanded and promised.

But that is not enough for this pope, because it is not enough for the human heart. Nobody wants to be loved as an act of the will. Yet the promise of eros is notoriously unreliable. One currently popular solution is to downgrade our expectations, to pretend that our sexual desire is merely bodily appetites, "enjoyable and harmless." "An intoxicated and undisciplined eros" is not ecstasy; it is instead "a fall, a degradation of man. Evidently, eros needs to be disciplined and purified." Evidently.

Yet selfless love is not possible for human beings. "He cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as a gift."

Pope Benedict is a poet because he can name the deepest longing of our soul. He's a prophet because he writes like a man who knows the answer: "God is the absolute and ultimate source of all being; but this universal principle of creation -- the Logos, primordial reason -- is at the same time a lover with all the passion of a true love."

We can love because we are first loved. Love is the cause of our being.

Knowing that, the pope tells us (convincingly, like a man who knows) we can still believe in hope, faith and charity.

But the greatest of these is love.

This article is from TownHall.com columns. Link to the orginal article at:
http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/maggiegallagher/2006/01/31/184660.html

Time to be Brave

I was in the OR today with the very Christian O&G doc. This doctor is the embodiment of a life that over-flows with the joy of Christ--smiling, laughing, singing in the OR, jovial comraderie with all colleagues, kind and gentle with patients, praying before every surgery. Great roll model. Reminds me of how much I still have to allow the Holy Spirit refine me, and how I need to submit and surrender, and really truly embrace living only for the Glory of the Living God.

"God hasnt called us to half time work. We work fulltime to destabilize the kingdom of Satan."-a Regina Doc.

I amazingly got home today from the General in time to go for a run before dark. My first out-door run in the Queen city--there have been time or weather constraints before now. Running around Wascana Park with the Legislature building dominating the horizon, the wind sweeping over my face, the chaos of my life melted away--if only for the 45min I was out there. And God reminded me that my identity as a Child of God is ingrained within the very fabric of my being, and no external changes, no matter how great they are, will ever alter who He has made me to be, or my relationship to Him. Time to start living boldly, standing in the Truth; and the days that fear and the feeling of abandonment creep back, I will return to moments of clarity, such as this one.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father.The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." Romans 8:15-16

"So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave"
~from Brave by Nicole Nordeman

The Lists of Sevens

At the request of T-Mo, I have compiled the random lists of sevens. The glorious joy of having a day off, means I can indulge this request! However I must admit that to choose only seven things for some of the lists was really difficult, most of the lists are not inclusive for the category and that some of the lists are in no particular order....

7 Things I would like to do before I die:
1. Get married and start a family
2. Become fluent en Francais
3. Go back to Africa--repeatedly
4. Go to Australia
5. Learn to scuba dive and surf--and do these things often
6. Pay off my debt
7. Attend an Olympic Games

7 Things I can't do (yet)
1. Get married and start a family
2. Earn money--hence I cant pay off my debt
3. Run a marathon
4. Photograph, curl, or play hockey well
5. Have my own dark room (and know how to use it).
6. Speak French fluently
7. Know where I'll be in a year and half

7 Things I'm into at the moment
1. Playing hockey, and ultimate frisbee
2. Running and swimming
3. Travelling
4. Crossword puzzles
5. Reading
6. Bible study, fellowship, CMDS
7. Taking pictures

7 Things I say most often
1. Hi, I'm Lauren, the senior medical student on the unit, and I will be assessing you today...
2. Why have you come to the hospital today
3. Sorry I'm on call that day
4. I miss you
5. Bruts! (or Brutal!)
6. Are you kidding me?!
7. Tight

7 Cds I could listen to over and over
1. Third Day
2. Switchfoot
3. U2
4. Relient K
5. Best of Bach, Beethoven, Vivaldi...etc
6. Downhere
7. Norah Jones

7 Movies I could watch over and over (similar disclaimer to the T-Mo, I generally dont watch movies over, but of those I love here are seven(ish) I could watch repeatedly BUT this list is not inclusive, its just the first seven I thought of...)
1. Princess Bride
2. Lord of the Rings Trilogy
3. Star Wars
4. Napoleon Dynamite
5. Italian Job and Oceans 11 (both the re-make versions)
6. First Knight
7. The bests of Drew: Ever After, Never been Kissed, 50 First Dates

7 Books I recommend other people should read
1. The Bible
2. Mere Christianity
3. Lord of the Rings, and The Hobbit
4. My Name is Asher Lev
5. Chronicles of Narnia
6. Anything by J. Budziszewski
7. Anything by Peter Kreeft

Okeedokee...there the lists. It feels very permanent to have a list in writing. I put the disclaimer that this list is subject to variation in the future!

BTW--this post is just for fun. The previous days post is a more a reflection of the journey's current status.

To whom do you belong...

God is good. The trial may not be ceasing, but He has sent me refreshing for my soul in the midst of my wilderness.

First off, I have survived after working 100h in labour and delivery in 7 days. Praise God.

Erin and Tim E are here this weekend, and Erin came over tonight to stay the night and we spent the whole evening dialoguing on a heart to heart level---this has been what I miss the most about Saskatoon, is the intimate relationships with my female Christian friends. The guys are great, but its different. I actually cried when they arrived, (shocking, I know). And Erin made me a card, and my CMDS Bible study group all signed is, and filled it with encouraging notes and verses. The card was beautiful. Again more tears, but good tears. A sweet reminder of being loved by the Family, arriving precisely when I needed it. God is good, and He has not forgotten me in the wilderness.

Then I opened my email tonight. A perfectly timed email from Amy, speaking the Truth in Love to me. I have included exerpts because, well frankly, Truth should be shared.

"But you belong.[Period. End of sentence. No
qualifiers.] The Holy One anointed you and you all
know it.

Stay with what you heard from the beginning, the
original message. Let it sink into your life. If what
you heard from the beginning lives deeply in you, you
will live deeply in both Son and Father. This is
exactly what Christ promised: eternal life, real life!
(1 John 2: 20-21, 24-25).

No matter what, this is the truth I'm to live in: that I belong.
To him. And I'm not to live in lies. I'm to stay in
the truth I've been in since the beginning, even when
it seems absurd from here."

I Belong. I am His. He has not forgotten me, nor will He forsake me.

I Belong to Him. I am in His Body, which is not dependent on time or space.

Praise God.

Down Trodden and tasting reality

Perhaps it was naive of me to think that I would have the opportunity to integrate into a community in Regina that was not explicitly the medical community.

After seeing my on call schedule for February, I have almost given up even wanting to attempt to integrate into a community. Including this week, for six weeks I am on call every other Sunday. No church. No day of rest. Arg. The weekends I am not on call are booked with things like the OSCE (a clinical exam) in Saskatoon, and important family events in Prince Albert. And how silly to think that 1 in 2 call would be found only in Obstetrics---apparently its required in both Gynecology and Pyschiatry as well, and is likely a trend that will be persisting.

It would appear that I will be hard pressed to retain any of the friendships that are so dear to me throughout this JURSI year and a half; and the thought of making new friends was at best optimistic and at worst, just plain foolish.

Feeling alone and isolated as I near the end of my 100h Labour and Delivery week. How I am supposed to have any meaningful interactions with people when I work for 25h, come home to sleep, and then go back the next day to work another 25? Simply cannot be done. In general the trend would seem that the hospital does consume you during clinical training; oh I knew this was what I was told before, but it is more bitter pill to actually swallow than I anticipated. Currenly the only saving grace is that I have my classmates that I have come to know and love over the past two and a half years, serving as a tiny buffer, all of us tenuously holding the others on this side of sanity. But I think to the long dark road ahead and consider the prospect of moving across the country for residency, truly alone, knowing no one, no time to integrate into a community, and my soul shudders at the thought.

Oh I love the medicine. I just never anticipated doing only medicine.

Election Day

I love election day.

Its one of my favorite days, spending the night watching the results unfold---its "reality TV" that actually matters.

I remember sitting up watching election results with my Dad, back when I was a little girl. Its even more exciting now, that I am able to excerise my right to vote. This is one of the few elections that I havent been able to watch with him. I called him this evening, and yes, of course, he was tuned in and watching. I hope Rex Murphy is on CBC tonight----I havent seen him yet.

By the end of the night, there could be a change of the winds in Canada.

So exciting. Its an opportunity for a fresh start, a clean slate. In the weeks and months to come, there will inevitably be things that the new government does that will displease various groups of people; it is not possible to please everyone. But for today, tonight, the future is teeming with possibility.

Extreme On Call

If I survive Labour and Delivery on call this week I will likely survive med school.

I have 100h on the L&D unit in 7 days. One 25h block down (24h on call followed by an hour lecture), 75h to go. Last night I did not see the inside of my call room, and Thursday 19 Jan was swallowed by the black hole.

I will admit to being very frusterated at my more senior colleagues. I had one patient that came in at 04:00h, who was seriously acutely ill, and happened to be pregnant. Obstetrically she was fine, but she needed to be assessed by a real doctor. I made nine phone calls to three different physicians, and no one would come down to see her. By the time I left at 0800h the consulting physician still had not arrived. As one of my mentors so wisely told me, "if you would go see the patient at 3 in the afternoon, you should go see them at 3 in the morning".

Its amazing how sleep deprivation messes with your brain, and distorts your perception. I was curtly reprimanded for my inadequate case presentation by the attending who was taking over the unit at 0800h this morning. Ordinarily, I would have been a little taken aback, but tried to learn from what he was saying, and perhaps ask some intelligent questions about how I could improve things for next time etc, but after being awake for the past 26h, it was all I could do to nod, mumble a few, oks, bit my lip, and promptly leave so as not to burst into tears. Also astonishing upon reflection that this doctor didnt even bother to find out if I had ever done hand-over rounds before, and to then just teach me how.

Basically no teaching occurs between 0300h and 0800h---everyone is too sleep deprived and on edge to care at that point.

But I delivered four babies, assessed more pregnant women than I can count, ruptured membranes, inserted my first fetal scalp electrode (which I had never done before, and I had no one there coaching me through it, I just had to do it, with my heart in my throat I might add).

Really, this next week is just about survival.

Theraputic O&G

Today I phoned one of the O&G docs to ask if I could do clinic with them this afternoon. I had heard good things about this doc, and had a high index of suspicion that he was a Believer.

What an afternoon.

It was great--first off, he had me seeing patients by myself, and always coming in to see the patient with me afterward. Superb bedside teaching.

Then at some point in the afternoon, he found out I was a Christian, and then he started telling me of all the ways he has seen God move through his practice. Absolutely inspiring. He stressed that first and foremost, he lives for Jesus. Being a doctor comes afterward---it should never come before. And, then to top it off, he prayed with me before I left. It was a very theraputic afternoon for my soul. I cant help but think how much more incredible medical school would be if all professors were like that--if all doctors were like that. The neat thing is that even the non-christian students really like this doc as a preceptor, because his zeal for teaching, and kind and gentle spirit are evident to everyone.

Yes, it was a good day at the office.

Bitter sweet irony

Today, I had a conversation with a friend, that was almost a perfect mirror image of a previous conversation I had quite sometime ago with a different friend. Only this time, it was me giving the unwanted truth, that was difficult to hear. Its a sickening sort of feeling that settled in my soul----if only because I had not so long ago sat on the other side, and I can so vividly recall exactly what that was like. Now I inflicted that same experience on someone else. Brutal.

Really I think these things only happen to me...

I came home Friday night to find a ticket on my car. I looked around again, but I was correct that there are NO SIGNS about parking anywhere on the street. I open the ticket to read "this vehicle is ticketed for violating Bylaw 9900 Section 35 (c) unlawful to park on a street for more than 24 hours. IF THIS VEHICLE IS NOT MOVED OFF THE BLOCK BY 16 JAN 06 IT WILL BE SEIZED" So according to the City of Regina, I cant park on the street infront of my house. I phoned the PD, and the officer told me to move my car every two days to another block...sort of defeats the purpose of living within walking distance to the Hospital. Regardless I owe the City $15.00 if I pay the ticket within the next 14 days.

I suppose next time I move into a city I will have to request a copy of all the City Bylaws and read them thoroughly to ensure that I dont inadvertently become non-law abiding citizen.


Today I went to get extra keys cut for my appt, so I can keep a spare at a friends house etc, at a store that shall not be named. I gave him two keys, asking for two copies of each key. All of a sudden the key cutter utters a loud "S#@!" Instead of placing a blank in the machine with an original, he placed BOTH originals in the machine, and started cutting over top of my original. He muttered to me after that he thought it would be okay still for me to get into the house with, but I spent the whole drive home thinking how ridiculous I was going to sound calling my landlord to say I was locked out of my house.

To top it off--none of the keys I got cut actually work in the locks. I will have to try again another day, at another store.

The rubber begins to meet the road today, and I realize how insufficient medical school is to prepare you for what its really like to have your life interface with your patient's lives, as they journey through some of the most tumultuous times of their lives. Medicine is an endeavor all about people and life, and doctors are not just technicians for a machine known as the body. My life becomes connected to my patients by virtue of what I do--but the end result has a large part to with how I deal with this connection.

Its amazing how much of what we say is conveyed in how we say it. Something we all know, but it is so true. Watching doctors give news of possible bad outcomes from a pregnancy, I could see how by only stating facts they did not provide hope, or reassurance--they only instilled fear and worry. Granted, bad news is bad news BUT if there is an 80% chance of death, there is also a 20% chance of survival. 1 in 5 still make it. Not the best "odds", but the numbers are not zero. Why is it that some doctors focus on the negative part of the numbers?

At least medical school will help me refine my ability to show compassion. One of the docs I admire in Saskatoon talks about how a large part of our job is to give people hope. We are to be truthful, but to help our patients find hope rather than despair.

First Night on Call

Halfway through the first week. Its a good thing obstetrics is first, because if I can survive this, I think I will be able to get through almost anything!

I spent my first day of JURSI on call for Labour and Delivery. I think we delivered about 8 babies that night--its somewhat of a blur at this point. Yes, there is not much sleep on L&D, it was 530am before my head saw a pillow, and then I got the wake-up page from switchboard at 730am so I could make it to morning teaching seminar. It was a bizarre painful sensation that shot through every fiber of my body, and I let out a small moan, before I rolled out and my feet hit the floor. And delight of delights, we had scheduled JURSI specific teaching that day until 4pm, there truly was no rest for the weary that day. But, the good thing is, if I have to be up all through the night--if that is mandatory, at least on L&D you get to participate in a new life entering the world this side of the womb. I had to really focus not to burst into tears of joy at my first delivery.

Interestingly enough (although, not surprising), is the atmosphere around the issues of the beginning of life. Everyday I feel as though I need to be on guard, cautious, and pay attention to the calculated moves that are executed around me, so as to to get caught in their web. One doctor tried to corner me today, but I think I skillfully diffused the situation. There is no point in having a discussion if the only purpose is to have an argument. And its was only day 3.

After being on call on Monday, I feel as though I lost an entire day. I dont think I have actually seen Regina daylight since I have been here! While I love being in the hospital, I really dislike feeling like entire days are being swallowed by a black hole. I literally have not had ten minutes to sit and ponder the teachings from the weekend yet, and I likely will not have time until this coming weekend.

the weekend journey of my soul

It is amazing to me the range of emotions I have experienced in the last three days.

The retreat was a drink of cold water for my soul. Refreshing, and energizing, providing the basic form of sustenance. Many facets of the weekend combine to have this effect.

First, arriving was like coming home, a foreshadowing of what Heaven will be like. Being with the Saskatoon Friends (see Four Loves by Lewis for why capital F Friends), my community, my brothers and sisters in the faith that I have walked through many trials with; the people who encourage me, and hold me accoutable, and I do the same for them. The Hardings, my beloved mentors who always inspire and supply bountiful wisdom. Then added to this, was the fellowship of my Friends from the different campuses that I have connected with over the past three years at retreats. Even though we have only spent a few short total number of days together, our hearts are connected through our common faith, and our medical experiences, and when we meet we interact in deep and meaningful ways. Also, being away, in nature, surrounded by God's majestic creation, playing outdoors, forgetting the trials and demands of everyday life, we were freed to just BE. To be children of God, and spend the entire weekend seeking Him, His Truth, and fellowshipping with the Body. For these reasons I think that the annual retreat weekend has become one of my favorite weekends of the year.

And then the teaching. Dr Peter Kreeft was amazing, and I think I will actually leave commenting on what I learned for several days until I have had time to sleep and process.

And then when it was time to say goodbye to the Saskatoon contingent of the U of S CMDS community I wept. I unashedly wept. My heart felt all the grief and sorrow of parting, saying goodbye once more. My heart blood has been spilled, and today I was acutely reminded of this wound, that is still very real, and still very raw. But I know that this is the price of loving--is sorrow and pain. If I did not love them as deeply as I do, it would not be so painful to leave. And the alternative--of letting my heart harden and become as stone, is no alternative that is really a choice for me. I was very naive to think that the wound on my heart was so quickly healed.

“We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if he chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.” ~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief, and heals them." ~ Tolstoy

"It is in the fire of suffering that God brings forth the gold of godliness"
-Madame Guyon

Should have been a frequent flyer

I really should have signed up for frequent flyer miles in first year.

I fly out to Winnipeg tomorrow, to the Western Annual CMDS Students Retreat. Guess who the headliner speaker is this year? PETER KREEFT! Wow its going to be so amazing. I am very excited about a weekend to spiritually recharge, and to focus before the absolute chaos of JURSI breaks loose. That, and the chance to go skating outdoors, and potentially play some hockey with my friends from differernt provinces---also always a rockin' good time. It unfortunately is difficult to bring a hockey stick on an airplane if you're not an allstar athlete like our Canadian Junior boys for example.

While my calendar for January filled up in one day, simply by opening my Obs/Gyne orientation package, I am really enjoying the new academic season thus far. I even had time tonight to make supper for my friends, and a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for the boys. All of this after I wrote an exam, and successfully ran a simulated megacode, where I had an "patient" who had no effective heart pumping for him. Really a full and productive day. I love those.

I hope that this weekend is useful for firing up the troops, to activate and motivate the next generation of Christian physicians to stand up and step into the void, to provide a standard of care that is different than everyone else and to be ready to fight to be able to practice in a way that is honouring to God, as we are surrounded on all sides by pressure to conform to the status quo.

Preventative medicine really is the way to go.

First Day

Today marked the beginning of my life as a JURSI.

It was very surreal walking to the hospital with Eddie and Mark. It was like starting a new school, or a new job--all the butterflies and anticipation of the completely unexpected, not knowing what all the nuances will be, except with this strange twist that I was venturing into this unknown with some of my dearest friends, and in all 20 people that I know well and enjoy their company. Regina doesnt quite feel like home yet. One of the boys commented that it felt like we were away on elective.

Orientation was good, although very strikingly resembled a full day of lectures, as we sat in a room with tables for most of the day and had people talk to us. The docs who are deptartment heads all came and welcomed us, and they all seemed very genuine in being excited about having a large group of us here. Good sign. The Assoc Dean for Regina welcomed us, and was very up front and honest about things that are issues, things that are good, and what they are doing to work on the problem areas. Good sign. Then we tromped around for pictures for id badges, toured the JURSI lounge, got the cursed black boxes (pagers), were fitted for our customized scrubs (we get issued five personal pairs, and two lab coats), got issued more textbooks and all of this before lunch. After lunch saw a seminar on infection control (handwashing) and the 12 steps of how to properly take off protective gear so as not to contaminate oneself, along with being tested in space helmets for N-95 respirators. A full day.
Tomorrow I learn how to defibrillate and intubate people.

The interesting thing about all of this orientation stuff, is I realize I dont know anything and that the first two and a half years of medicine were to ensure I would be able to understand what they were teaching me when the actually started teaching me to be a doctor.

Then after work (I really am puzzled as to whether to call it work or school...) Kelly and his parents hosted our class for a FABULOUS meal in their home. Five different appetizers, two salads, two lasangas, a beef stew dish, mashed potatoes, for main course, and homemade truffle with Rolo icecream for dessert. WOW. It was such a blessing for us all to be able to dine together after today, and eat good homemade food.

It is a new season.

If You say Go

Tonight I made the drive of finality from Prince Albert to my new home---Regina. This time I am here for the long haul. Tomorrow morning begins with orientation, and a whole new adventure: JURSI.

I confess that I have had a downdrodden spirit about this move, but I feel a change in the seat of my soul. Its starting small, and will have to be nurtured with care to grow, but I will be anointed with the oil of joy about this new adventure. I seem to forget that I willingly volunteered to go to Regina--oh so long ago last March. God knows that if the decisions had to be made this past semester, I likely would have chose differently and not paid attention to the Holy Spirit out of my fear. But here I am. I do want to go where He leads me, to have faith that my little picture fits into the Big Picture. It is interesting how much heart blood has to be spilled to follow--I knew that it would be challenging, but I never really understood the cost, and I think I still have much to learn about the cost of true sacrifice. Yes, I did opt out of ordinary a long, long time ago.

Ah but He knows what I need better than I know myself, He will provide me with all I need, and He will not stretch me beyond what I can bear.

And now for the theme song of the moment:

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You

lyrics by Diane Thiel